Chris Wilson Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch. My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me. A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that." I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobSheffield Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pot Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveR Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
couv3z Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 some classic's there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hogmaw Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Funny! Thx for sharing, only heard one of those before, so no repost grief from me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homer Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Some good ones there, not seen those before Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erol_h Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 I like the last joke:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kev.O Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny g Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Love that first one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 The first one is my kind of joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRACIE_LOU Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 After the first one i couldn't stop laughing!.. We need more daft jokes like this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Shane_ Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 some good ones there your jokes are improving Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Love the first 4, actually lol'ed at them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrRalphMan Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 They are so un PC I couldn't believe it... I got really steamed at the first joke.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Brilliant!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanM Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Excellant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewOW Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 That first one was really funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexM Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Not heard any of those before, very good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupraFluff Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Breaking news: An ice cream seller has been found in his van with wafers in his ears and flakes up his nose, covered in raspberry sauce and hundreds and thousands. Police say it is not looking for anyone, apparently he topped himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiceRocket Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 only half of those are reposts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Breaking news: An ice cream seller has been found in his van with wafers in his ears and flakes up his nose, covered in raspberry sauce and hundreds and thousands. Police say it is not looking for anyone, apparently he topped himself. If ever there was a way of ruining a joke thread, that was it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bens747 Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 I loved the insect joke the best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhGod Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Very good. Strangely I read most of them on Sickipedia recently...you're not a fan are you Chris? Another of their 'classics'; A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyP Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Very good. Strangely I read most of them on Sickipedia recently...you're not a fan are you Chris? Another of their 'classics'; A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!" :rlol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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