Drummer jokes

I'm a drummer, but they're still funny

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

Gifted.

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Why to bands need Roadies?

To translate what the drummer says.

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A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains. There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.

"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?".

The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."

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Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

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Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?

A: His personality!

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Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

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A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

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Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?

A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

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A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

"Bass solo."

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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, but only after asking "Why?"

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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

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What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

(Hmmm... that inspires a turnaround variation...)

Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?

You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

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A lady walks into a store and tells the man behind the counter she would like some musican brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?".

"How much do they cost?" she asks.

"Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound, those are french horns at $7 a pound, and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies.

"What are those way back there?" she asks.

"Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies.

"GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?"

"Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!".

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What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?

A really dumb gorrilla!!!

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"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"

"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

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Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?

A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

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Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?

So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the shit on the road.

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Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

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Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?

A: Put a sheet of music in front of him

Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop?

A: Put notes on it!

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Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?

A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

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A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."

The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?"

"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."

The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?"

"Yeah! How did you know man?"

"This is a fish and chip shop."

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Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

A: The knocking speeds up.

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Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

A: He doesn't know when to come in.

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Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

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A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.

He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."

SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."

SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."

SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."

SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.

Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.

"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

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Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?

A: Drool.

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Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level?

A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

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Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

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Q: What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?

A: Mildly retarded.

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Q: What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?

A: A dope ring.

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What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?

One will mature and make money.

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How do you get an elephant out of a 40 foot hole?

Lower a drummer into the hole and gross him out.

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Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?

A: His personality!

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Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

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Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

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Q - How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?

A - Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

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Q - How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?

A - Shoot one.

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Q - What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

A - About four bars by the end of the song.

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Q - How can you tell if a drummer has been doing the crossword?

A - All the squares have been coloured in.

Brilliant, just emailed them to my bro who is a drummer.

What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.