Useful Tips

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply

pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is

almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always

circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from

the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check

that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to

the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone

else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,

but You'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar

in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first

place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you

can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing

up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by

filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then

urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a

handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics.

When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive

vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a

bit slower.

Smokers.

Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt

of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.

Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc

'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be

made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and

ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,

thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your

Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to

insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car

before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so

it may as well look like one.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom

you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your

feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer

Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'

eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat

hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast

wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for

the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in

your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross

out the names and address of people you don't know.

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before...

Very good - some there i'd never heard before