New Harley

A guy buys a new bike, a beautiful Harley. The salesman says "to keep the chrome in the best condition, just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I got to tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes, nobody has said anything for over 3 months."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and starts to touch her. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

Thinking, just how far can he take this. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realises it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

Oldie but a goodie

Some Practical Advice For Safe & Healthy Living In 2007

1.Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

2.Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

3.Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

4.Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

5.Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

6.Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

7.Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

8.Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

9.Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

10.Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

11.High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

12.Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

13.Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

14.A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

15.Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

16.Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

17.AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

18.HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

19.DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

20.On hot days there is no need for expensive air conditioning, just open your fridge and sit in front of it.

NEW WORDS FOR 2007

TESTICULATING

Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am .

BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BRITNEY SPEARS.

Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g."Couple of Britney's please"

GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PEARLHARBOUR.

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor " out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person

TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

Some Practical Advice For Safe & Healthy Living In 2007

 

1.Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

2.Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

3.Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

4.Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

5.Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

6.Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

7.Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

8.Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

9.Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

10.Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

11.High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

12.Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

13.Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

14.A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

15.Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

16.Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

17.AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

18.HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

19.DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

20.On hot days there is no need for expensive air conditioning, just open your fridge and sit in front of it.

 

Deja vu

Deja vu

Deja vu

Deja vu

Deja vu

Deja vu

Deja vu

Deja vu

Deja vu

Deja vu

Hmmm presume your bored too then!!! LOL

Hmmm presume your bored too then!!! LOL

Quite.. Still only another couple of hours to go before home time..

Only 1hr15 for me washed my car on my lunch break at 1am so sad

too much energy for 4am dude!!!