Chuck Norris - funny!

Was sent this earlier....how funny!!!

Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his

soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and

admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light and went back in time.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck

Norris

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are

trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck

Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the

first 45 minutes chatting up the waitress.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from

cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris once shot a plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck

Norris-more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris-robot in disguise," and

starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from

drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned

beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds

till."After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the

probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for

Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is

afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "people".

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,

the man ate an Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the

courage to tell him.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

Mr T is harder than chuck....

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles. Every time

a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe

place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other

and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the

resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills

them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is

folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the

situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe

anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone

throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute

this, he

takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I

thought your paper would protect you."

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has

three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to

gold.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked

Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was

Mr. T,

and it was a warning.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only

survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then

created

Pity.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast

and

realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the

woods.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is

in

the world.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has

taken

you to read this sentence.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at

Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T wasn't born, he shed a woman.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of

disguise. Mr

T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out

of

fear.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Contrary to popular belief, the ancient world knew of 5 elements, not 4.

They were earth, air, fire, water and pity. Mr. T invented them all.

Stephen Hawking argued that there are only nine planets in the solar

system.

Just to prove the sucka wrong Mr. T created a tenth planet, Pitius, out

of

the liquid uranium he secretes from his nipples. To this day Stephen

Hawking

continues to sit in sheer amazement.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in

the

show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen

with

the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

If you were born before 1980, there is a good chance that Mr. T is your

father. If you were born after, it's guaranteed.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through

doors.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going

to

walk.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Mr. T once fell into a pool of lava. He nearly drowned.

Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of

vitamin

T.

I'm harder than Mr T - I dont cry like a pussy when i get on a plane