CJ Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 This is definitely a repost but do you know what? I don't care because no matter how many times you read them they are still funny. Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it." -------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" -------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" ------------------------------------------------------------------ Two elephants walk off a cliff....... boom boom! --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said "You are." ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he aid 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. --------------------------------------------------------------------- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied, "I know I've been ill" --------------------------------------------------------! ------------- A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "well don't go to those places" --------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...." ------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." --------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and that number is expected to rise as digging continues into the night Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spidermonkey Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Still brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Amazing repost of a repost of a repost but still extremely amusing. It doesn't matter how many times I read them I still chuckle. A worthy repost if ever there was one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marc_p Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 i like the 1 in 5 chinese one but I don't understand this one:- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied, "I know I've been ill" I know it's just me being dumb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Some good lol's there!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supra61 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Tommy cooper pure genius Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil tt Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Very good:d Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiceRocket Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Good classic stuff but I don't get this one I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJ Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 Good classic stuff but I don't get this one HP = Hire Purchase Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 A Tommy Cooper thread always makes me laugh. Nice one, CJ. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 i like the 1 in 5 chinese one but I don't understand this one:- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied, "I know I've been ill" I know it's just me being dumb. Um...just reading it as text makes no sense...now read it out loud in the Style of Tommy Cooper Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiceRocket Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 HP = Hire Purchase Ahh! Cheers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan_Jones Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. Very funny post! Especially like this joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragonball Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Love them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Prawn Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Very funny. He was the funniest guy that the UK has produced. Not sure if they are all his gags, some are a bit too new seing as he died in 1984. Phone calls in the car and answer phone messages, but I may be wrong. I went to the doctors the other day and said: "It hurts when I do this" He said: "Well don't do it then!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest craig-mkiv Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 classic tommy http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=vWX9nOFpfcQ http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=BA551Jy8WUg&NR=1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteamAhead Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Um...just reading it as text makes no sense...now read it out loud in the Style of Tommy Cooper Yep, the mans right, you HAVE to read them Tommy Cooper style Great repost!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoff Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 These really are great. One of the all time greats was Tommy:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Prawn Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 These really are great. One of the all time greats was Tommy:) Incredible how this man has taken to the hearts of the British public. Hoff was three when he died, but says he was an all time great. It just shows how good he was Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJ Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 The milk gag - brilliant! http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=niO_9wUk5jY&feature=related Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Yep, the mans right, you HAVE to read them Tommy Cooper style Great repost!!! I thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustGav Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------- Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...." ------------------------------------------------------------------- That one made me chuckle for some reason Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 More 1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - ".....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual." 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?.. Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L18msy Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 Ahh! Pure genius, he always makes me laugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jevansio Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 More 1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. ... 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night I preferred them the 1st time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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