Old `uns, from an old `un.

[Chris Wilson]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,

looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,

his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you,

he must have had something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,

and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,

didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of

beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,

when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

"I've somethin' to tell ya".

" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.

But where's my husband?"

" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus

is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

 

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat

of Guinness Stout and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.

Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after

his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,

enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his

attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

T he drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,

there's no paper on this side either!"

[RobSheffield]

Not heard those before, very good

[stupra]

They're good.

[garetheves]

Likin the breast one

[Matt H]

Well ive heard some sh*t jokes in my time but damn!

[Sheefa]

Well ive heard some sh*t jokes in my time but damn!

 

Agreed. Sorry Chris but they are poor as hell!

[Mr. Fish]

liking no. 1

[DannyB]

I liked them, some oldys yeah but still ticklers

[Havard]

Made me giggle Chris, but then again I am a sucker for a crap joke!

 

H.

[BASHTHEBISHOP]

I liked them so thankyou:)

[supra61]

Mick and Paddy go in to a pet shop and start to look around.Paddy says to mick,Mick Mick Mick dare day are,look look.

Dats rite says paddy your rite mick.They say to the assistant we want two of those please,one each in a brown paper bag.Mick and Paddy pay there £1.50p each and run to the van.Paddy starts to drive in to the hills.They come to a stop and jump out of the van.Wooh says Mick looking over the edge of a 500ft cliff thats a bit bloody high paddy.Mick says yeh i know but dont worrie.Mick and paddy are looking over the edge Paddy says to Mick i dont like dis i dont like dis one little bit.Mick looks over his shoulder and sees Shamus and O'riley striding to wards them each carring a brown paper bag.When the arrive Mick and Paddy say hi and what the b'jesus brings you two up here?Shamus replies me and O'riley are up here for a wee bit of adrenalin sport.Mick says whats dat den?Shamus says watch dis guys.Shamus pulls an african grey out of the bag and grabs it by the legs.Watch dis lads he says and jumps,Shamus shouts 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 pulls a gun out of this belt and shoots the parrots head off.A couple of seconds later splat,Shamus hits the rocks and dies.O'rily,Mick and Paddy look over the edge and say oh fook well dat didnt work too well.O'rily says well i guess it's me next,puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a chicken,he grabs the chicken by the legs and says to Mick and paddy just watch dis i been wantin to try this for fookin ages,Orily jumps a few seconds later splat O'rily is dead on the rocks below.Paddy says to Mick dats not too feckin clever now is it.Mick says to paddy off you go den sonny boy,Paddy says im avvin second torts about dis now.They decide to toss a coin to see who goes 1st and mick loses,he puts tis hand in the bag and pulls out a budgie,grabbing the budgie buy the legs he turns to Paddy and says well here goes see ya in a minuet or two.Paddy jumps,a few seconds later splat hes dead next to Shamus and O'rily.Mick puts the budgie back in the bag and walks back to the van,he says to him self,i tort Shamus was mad trying dat parrot shootin and o'rily was takin a risk wit dat hen gliding,but dat budgie jumping was just feckin stupid.

[neil tt]

All very good:d