Godmutha Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 .... As I will miss the Friday Joke tomorrow My week wont be the same without it. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil tt Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godmutha Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil tt Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 How's this One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says, "Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean." Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again. "Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 > A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one >* of her students. The teacher asked, >* "Harry, what is your problem?" >* Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. >* My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter >* than she is! I think I should be in third-grade > too!" > >* The teacher had enough.* She took Harry to the >* principal's office.* While Harry waited in the > outer >* office, the teacher explained to the principal what >* the situation was. > >* The principal told the teacher he would give the > boy >* a test and if he failed to answer any of his > questions >* he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. > The >* teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the > conditions >* were explained to him and he agreed to take the > test. > > >* Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" >* Harry: "9" >* Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" >* Harry: "36" > >* And so it went with every question the principal > thought >* a third-grader should know. The principal looks at > the >* teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the >* third-grade." > > >* The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him > some >* questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. > >* Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have > only two of? >* Harry: "Legs." >* Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I > do not have?" >** (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a > question!) >* Harry: "Pockets." >* Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps > into?" >* Harry: "Pants." >* Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, > is hairy, >* oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" > >* (The principal's eyes open really wide and before > he could stop the > answer....) >* Harry: "A Coconut." >* Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out > soft and sticky?" >* Harry: "Bubblegum." >* Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman > do sitting down >* and dog do on three legs?" >* Harry: "Shake hands." > >* Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of > questions, okay?" >* Harry: "Yup" >* Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie > me down to get >* me up. I get wet before you do."* Who am I?? >* Harry: "A Tent." >* Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me > when you're bored. >* The best man always has me first."* What am I?? >** (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense) >* Harry: "A Wedding Ring." >* Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, > I drip. When >* you blow me, I feel good." What am I?? >* Harry: "A Nose." >* Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. > I come with a quiver." > What am I?? >* Harry: "An Arrow." >* Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in > 'K' that means a lot of > excitement?" >* Harry: "Firetruck." >* The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told > the teacher, >* "Put his butt in the fifth-grade, I got the last > ten questions wrong > myself." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy? Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Couple to keep you going Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil tt Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaz1 Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy? Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godmutha Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 Aww thanks guys.... you are gettin me through my very long morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuohy Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Sorry if this is a repost... I found it funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Ethel was a bit of a speed-demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and KookyClarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Fred popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Fred nodded and said "That's fine. Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a huge erection. Oh, for crying out loud!" cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B*st*rds" thats it from me.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godmutha Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil tt Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B*st*rds" thats it from me.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil tt Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Sorry forgot tro add that was very very funny:rlol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kieren1234 Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 HAHAHA brilliant stonkin!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaz1 Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 more cmon lets keep this going(as i don,t know any) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 bit of an old one: I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example, last night, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen tonight I went to sleep. Today I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,"That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. "You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added , "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kieren1234 Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 That is brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stonkin Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 A mental hospital After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuohy Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Two blondes are wandering through a field one day when they stumble upon a set of tracks. "Ooh, I know what these are," says the first blonde, "these are bear tracks." "No they're not silly," retorts the other, "they're moose tracks." "You are wrong," says the first blonde. "I saw these in a book when I was younger and they are definately bear tracks." "I don't think so my dear, I saw a programme about Moose last week, and this is what their tracks look like" said the second blonde, beginning to become angry. They were still arguing when the train hit them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Man gets into bed with his wife and whispers "Fancy a quickie!" Wife replies "As opposed to what??" H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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