mitchell Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 > CLARKSON QUOTES"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not > driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and > sleeping on the couch. > If you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen." > > "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the > Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's > full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get > to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when > I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath > together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly." > > "[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing > than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off > stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"... > > "the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician > stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air > saying there will be no war with Germany" > > "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for > w****r" > > On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, > with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!" > > Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a > greased stick out of a pig's bottom' > > On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:"there is a word to describe this car: > it begins > with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot". > Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?" > Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another > league of badness!" > > "some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people > - and > that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist > pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that > he's called the Stig!" > > "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an > Ethiopian transvestite" > > "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... > That's what > gets you." > > 'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the > dashboard blowing at you through a straw' > > "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More > comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?" > > "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater > convertable was Adolf Hitler" > > (Fed up during the caravaning trip)"You aren't allowed to have a > party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play > ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park > within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in > bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!" > > "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. > Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've > got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases." > > (mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less > painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss." > > "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to > places quicker than I do?" > > Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars > domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on > the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not > be an obstruction. > Run them down to prove them wrong' > > "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from > a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red > Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson > shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a > car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i" > > "Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably > because they don't have wheel-chair access" > > 1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live > in the air for 6seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days > in 10years" > 2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a > bit dodgy" > 3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!! > "Well Mr > Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban > prostitutes which way her parents voted" > > "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough > affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the > cheapest Ferrari of them all!" > > On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air > force crashing into a firework factory" > > "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back > because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs > and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the > tailgate..." > > "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the > £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its > just........" > Hammond:"THAT bad is it?" > Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different > league!" > > In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, > put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of > their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he > was. > > "the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God > was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into > them." > > Assessing Hammond's crash:Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the > tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!" > Hammond:"I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph." > Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office > on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife > etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!" > > "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well- behaved... > for a murderer." > > "I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty > to be on my plate at supper time" > > "there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of > stitching... on their face" > > "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. > It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that > it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of > half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. " > > "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if > you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it > helps." > > "you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to > stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a > woman!" > > "During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green > cars so here's one..." Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in > bright green > > Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports > car... > in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a > President. > > Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more > attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a > camel with gingivitis." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil tt Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Very very good, thanks:d Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daston Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 lmao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyP Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Clarkson is a very ignorant but very funny man!! H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndrewOW Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Excellent stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz Walker Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 He's had a few corkers over the years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mitchell Posted July 26, 2007 Author Share Posted July 26, 2007 i know - i think if he'd lose some of that pompousness it may be that extra bit funnier! Gotta hand it to the guy though. Possibly easier when you have hours to prepare at being quick! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobSheffield Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Future sig quotes in there i think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamanC Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbourner Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Another from road testing the new Jaguar XK8: “…there is so much information coming through the steering wheel that I could run over a small animal and judging from the twitch of the wheel not only tell you what the animal was, but what it had for breakfast!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VELOCITY Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Very funny, thats cheered me up today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snake Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 He was lost for words when he got out of the freezing water last night.The look on his face funny as f--k . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 He was lost for words when he got out of the freezing water last night.The look on his face funny as f--k . That was 100% my favourite Clarkson clip evar! I hope it gets shown again and again and again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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