MaveriK Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and hewent T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand.” Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they relight. Well the factory that makes them caught fire the other day. The fire brigade didn't know what to do. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing QueenOn it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal." I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said"Tenpin?"I said, "No, it's a permanent job." I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guySaid, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.'Best before End' I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." ISaid "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said,” I don’t care what his name is pal?" I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,"You've got cholera." I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember hisName, its P something T something R I was reading this book today, The History of Glue, and I couldn'tPut it down. I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went onAnd on. My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "IWouldn’t do it if you paid me." I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. ISaid,” You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thinPaper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre she said, "Are you having meon?" I said,” Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skipoutside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!" I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went” Bah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told meI'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said”I careered off the road" I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on theshoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts. I bought a train ticket and the ticket seller said "Euro star" I said"Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't makeTuesdays or Thursdays." Thanks, i'll be here all week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobSheffield Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 at most Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BASHTHEBISHOP Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Thanks for those lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colsoop Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 nice one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 I love those one liners. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hogmaw Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 LOL you can't beat old fashioned gags Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackie Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 tim vine i belive?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkTheBoy Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Yeah, Tim Vine or Jimmy Carr ... "Audi" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Everyone must be in a good mood as no-one has said Re............................. http://www.mkivsupra.net/vbb/showthread.php?t=98058&highlight=kapow http://www.mkivsupra.net/vbb/showthread.php?t=92460&highlight=kapow Great gags though!! H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Who are you? The repost police? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Who are you? The repost police? Well I was hoping for a moderators job, but that sounds attractive. What's they pay like?? H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Well I was hoping for a moderators job, but that sounds attractive. What's they pay like?? H. Slightly less than a moderators position. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackie Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 repost police! made me chuckle. also Tim vine and Jimmy carr have got to be the funnyest men alive, up untill two mins ago i thought maverik was but it turns out hes just "a copy-cat" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 repost police! made me chuckle. also Tim vine and Jimmy carr have got to be the funnyest men alive, up untill two mins ago i thought maverik was but it turns out hes just "a copy-cat" Maverik is ok! For a Utd fan..... H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaveriK Posted June 25, 2007 Author Share Posted June 25, 2007 Gutted!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Gutted!!! Sorry!! Just doing my (new) job!! H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaveriK Posted June 25, 2007 Author Share Posted June 25, 2007 I am so going to have to make you my biatch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 I am so going to have to make you my biatch! Sounds good! What's the pay like?? H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaveriK Posted June 25, 2007 Author Share Posted June 25, 2007 Think "Big Issue" sales person then drop a level or two, should be enough though to get a replacement NA though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Think "Big Issue" sales person then drop a level or two, should be enough though to get a replacement NA though! Out of order!! H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaveriK Posted June 25, 2007 Author Share Posted June 25, 2007 sorry, i should take the piss that way with the amount i have blown on mine. I am sure yours looks very nice, i just find it hard to think of you looking good in it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 :dWorthy repost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaveriK Posted June 25, 2007 Author Share Posted June 25, 2007 to you havard!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 sorry, i should take the piss that way with the amount i have blown on mine. I am sure yours looks very nice, i just find it hard to think of you looking good in it! Believe me............................................I do!! Well except for the bald head........... H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now