turbonut Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 >1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them >would have seen it. > >2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, >press the hash key..." > >3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. > >The > >shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." > >4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find >any. > >5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he >couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too >high." > >6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. > >7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, >"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you >can't, I've cut your arms off. > >8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. > >9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the >craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and >heat it too. > >10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with >hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. > >11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. > >Doc > >says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." > >12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds >like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual." > >13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is >there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a >look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks >his teeth. > >Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's >cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" > >14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my >backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." > >15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! > >16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. > >17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give >me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for >it.' > >18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people >in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or >my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its >Colin. > >19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other >one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" > >20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and >the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. > >21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. > >They > >left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was >nice." > >22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several >places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" > >23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small >two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue >workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb >as digging continues into the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian W Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 love the clingfilm shorts one, Tommy Cooper's humour is my humour Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Some of those made me LOL!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garetheves Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Groan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edd_t Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 first ones brill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Should be read in a Jimmy Carr voice... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian W Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Should be read in a Jimmy Carr voice... sacrilege!! If not read in a Tommy Cooper voice they shouldn't be read at all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 If we're all God's children - what's so special about Jesus? I bought my girlfriend a book called "Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking". It's ideal for her 'cos not only is she a vegetarian... Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other. The reason that old men use viagra is not because they're impotent. It's because old women are so very ugly. My fantasy is to have two women at the same time. One to cook, one to clean. I live quite close to a remedial school. There's a sign outside that says "Slow Children". I thought "that can't do much for their self esteem". But then look on the positive side, they can't read it anyway. I've got a friend, she thinks the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on his earlobes for hours. I think it's nuts. When it comes to charity, a lot of people will stop at nothing. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said "OK fatty". Things don't always work out the way you think. I always thought it would be my Mum that caught me masturbating... Throwing acid is wrong... ...in some peoples eyes. I want to ask my girlfriend if we can have anal sex. But what if she takes it the wrong way? (But then again, it's easier to get forgiveness than permission.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supragal Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Ahh classic Jimmy Carr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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