Some one liner Thursday Jokes

[Carl]

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down

 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

 

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand.

 

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

 

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

 

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle.

"The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

 

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

 

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

 

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

 

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels. He said, "You've got cholera."

 

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,it's P something T something R.

 

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

 

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

 

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

 

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

 

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

 

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

 

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

 

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

 

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

 

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

 

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me

managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and

asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

 

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

 

 

 

Carl

[RobSheffield]

[markjodrell]

:d

[robbieg]

:D

[markjodrell]

:D :D

[Ewen]

[Jake]

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[Havard]

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[MarkTheBoy]

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