MaveriK Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, Numb Nuts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustGav Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 hahahahaha.... brilliant dude, absolutely superb.. I wish to claim for one cup of tea that I have now lost all over the kitchen wall... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 PSML - classic!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobSheffield Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garetheves Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. Chicken and stuffing sandwich now dripping down my monitor after that sentence. Brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max Headroom Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Classic, I am crying my eyes out with laughter at the unfolding story. I also wish to claim a cup of tea!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr lover Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 that i think is the funniest thing i have ever read Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wez Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Brilliant, so brilliant, me and the guys at work are actually crying Best thing I have read in a long long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobSheffield Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 I liked the 88lb lip Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animal Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Absolutely fantastic. My g/f's been after a taser for ages (purely for sadistic reasons though) how much was it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbourner Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Love it. I hate laughing out loud at work but that was worth the funny looks! Laughed so hard the tears ran down my legs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soop Dogg Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Absolutely fantastic. My g/f's been after a taser for ages (purely for sadistic reasons though) how much was it? http://www.rense.com/general69/pocket.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaveriK Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 Promise to bring a thermos to the next meet i go to! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soop Dogg Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Promise to bring a thermos to the next meet i go to! Lol!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jake Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Absolutely fantastic. My g/f's been after a taser for ages (purely for sadistic reasons though) how much was it? He didn't really do any of that it's a copied story Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carl0s Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 When I was at school I doctored a camera flash into a sort of 'stun gun'. I'd love a proper one but they're illegal over here because some postman got zapped once, or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DamanC Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustGav Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 A mate of mine had one of these when I was younger and we were mucking about and he jabbed forward not anticipating that I was moving forward as well, so myself and the taser met... They hurt like hell, apparently I was laying on the lounge floor flopping around... I do remember coming round with extreme pain in all my arms and legs.. When I finally composed myself and got him back, and realized how much the human body jumps around with 10000v... great laugh.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyknox Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 lol Yeh, they are illegal over here. This vid is funny. This is the kind of person that needs a good shock! He just refuses to stay down!!! lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkTheBoy Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 lol Yeh, they are illegal over here. This vid is funny. This is the kind of person that needs a good shock! He just refuses to stay down!!! lol I love the way the cop's still calling him sir after about the tenth jolt!! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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