Havard Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 *Best Aussie accent needed* Outback radio are having a competition! You have ring up and give a 4 letter word that 1)Isn't swearing, 2) Isn't in the dictionary, and 3) must make part of a sentence!!! First caller is Bruce!! Hi Bruce whats your word? Bruce says "Girn" Radio host says "Well Bruce its 4 letters, not swearing and I can't find it in the dictionary, so whats your sentence?" Bruce replies "GIRN FUCK YOUSELF!!!" Radio hosts cuts him off and says over the radio "Struth Bruce, there's sheila's listening to this show. You're out of order mate!!" Second caller put through. Host says "Hi there, who is it?" Caller replies it's another Bruce!! (not surprising in oz) Radio host says "Well another Bruce whats your word?" Bruce says "Smee!!" Radio host says "Well Bruce, yet again it's 4 letters, not in the dictionary, so whats your sentence??" Bruce says "SMEE AGAIN!!, GIRN FUCK YOURSELF!!!":d H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 How do you get a fat bird in to bed??? Piece of cake!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Why did the pervert cross the road??? Because he had his knob stuck in the chicken!! I'm here all week!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Prostitute working her patch wanders out into the road to flag down a passing car!! BANG car hits her!! She's on the ground, not badly injured but has a large cut in the middle of her forehead and the blood is running ito her eyes. She's screaming at the top of her voice "OH MY GOD I'VE GONE BLIND!! GONE BLIND!!" The bloke in the car get out and picks her up off the floor and says "Lucky I'm a doctor love. You havent gone blind, there is just blood in your eyes from the cut on your head!!" With a tissue he wipes the blood away and opens her eyes. He says "There you go. Can you see ok. How many fingers have I got up??" To which the prossie replies hysterically "JESUS CHRIST, I'M PARALYSED!!":d Remember to tip your waitress!! H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Is there only me on this thread??? OK What does an 80 year old woman have in her knickers that a 21 year old doesn't?? Her tits!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlotte Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 *wakes up from coma* Wow those were great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 And they just keep on coming!!!! Man goes home to his wife and throws her a present!! She opens the box and there is a "Vibrating vagina" in the box!! Un-impressed his wife asks "What do you expect me to do with that??" The man replies "Teach it how to cook and fuck off!!":d H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letmeshowyou Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Anyway, there was this bat, see. A vampire bat. With fangs and batty type wings and everything. And one very late night, he flew back into the cave that he shared with all the other bats.. flappity flappity flap flap flap. (That's the sound that bats make when going back into their caves. The sound that they make when they go into a railway tunnel is rather different - depending of course if a train is coming the other way.) It had been a slow night in bat land, and pickings had been thin. Very thin. Thinner than a thin piece of paper that had been used as an example of a very thin thing indeed. So naturally, the other bats perked up when the first bat flew into the cave because his face was covered in blood. This is a good thing in bat land, the blood stuff. It's kinda like meat and drink to a vampire bat. In fact, it is meat and drink to a vampire bat. So they were rather interested to know exactly what was occurring and why they weren't included in on the action. So they asked the bat what was going on, and where did he get the blood and why didn't they have any and... well, you get the idea. It was nag hell for our bat. Try as he might, and he did try, they wouldn't leave him alone. On and on they went. And then they went on and on some more. In the end our bat said 'Enough with the nagging already!' and he said that he'd take them, and show them. And they all went 'hurrah' in their little bat voices and clapped their little bat paws together and gnashed their little bat gnashers. So off they went. Flappity flappity flap flap flap. Hundreds of them. Hundreds of hungry gnashing bats flying across the countryside. People who were out and about - and it's fair to say that there weren't that many, if you don't count Mrs McGrumpty-Bugger, and not many people do, so we may as well ignore her as well, but for those people who were about they would look up and they would shiver to themselves and say 'There's a lot of bats out tonight!' So, the bats flew on across the countryside, flappity flappity flap flap flap. And they were getting excited, with a taste for blood. Down through the valley they flew! Up the other side of the valley they flew! Over the village they flew! Down the next valley they flew! Then back over the village they'd just passed, because our bat had got a bit lost. This just increased the other bats lust for blood, and I should point out at this point that I really do hope that you're reading this in your mind in a Transylvanian accent. Mainly because it's the right thing to do. Think in terms of Bela Lugosi and 'I vant your blood' kinda voice, and you're probably there. Anyway, on the bats flew, flappity flappity flap flap flap. Eventually they came to the old forest. It's called the old forest because the local council got a grant to build a new one about 200 years ago, but this one predates that one. So the new forest is actually pretty damn old, but not as old as the old forest naturally. And the sky above the old forest was thick with bats, circling, swooping, diving, all lusting in their blood lust. Blood! They cried in their bat like voices ... 'Blood!' And then our bat said 'Do you see it? Do you see the old oak tree there in the forest? The old oak tree that is so big it would take ten men with their arms outstretched to be able to encircle it? The old oak tree that was already old before the old forest was called the old forest? DO YOU SEE IT?' 'Yes!' the other bats cried. 'YES! We see the old oak tree! Yes, Yes, YES!' 'Good' said the bat 'Because I f**king didn't'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Doom Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 An Englishman, Irishman,& Scotsman all walk into a pub...................... Barman say's "What's this, some sort of f**king joke!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrRalphMan Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies. The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks. The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markjodrell Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I love that joke. and me, see next reply Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markjodrell Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 There are 10 kinds of people in the world... The ones that understand binary, and the ones that dont. Class I bet only 1 out of 10 get that joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I'm still going!! Englishman, Irishman and an American are all having a beer or ten at the bar on the top of a skyscraper!! The American who's had a few says "I bet you a $100 that I can jump off this buiding, fly round in a circle and land back here!!" The Englishman although very pissed, says NO. The Irishman completely legless says OK. The American jumps!! Drops a couple of metres and then flies round in a circle and lands back in the bar. Jesus Christ exclaims the Irishman!! I bet you that I can do the same then. I bet you $100. The American accepts the bet. The Irish man jumps and falls 80 floors and splats on the floor!! The Englishman turns to the American and says "Superman - You can be a right bastard when you're pissed!!":D H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Somebody stop me....please!! A huge bear and a little rabbit are taking a dump together in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur??" The rabbit says "No!" So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit!! H Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Millsy Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are running away from the police. Heading into an alley they see three sacks and each climb in one hoping the policeman will run past. As the policeman gets to the alley he sees the three sacks and gives the first a little kick. The Englishman inside thinks fast and lets out a little 'meeeeooooww'. 'Oh, it's just some abandonned cats' says the officer to himself. So he kicks the next one. The Scotsman inside also thinks fast and shouts out 'wooff woof'. 'Hmm, some unwanted puppies.' Finally he gets to the sack with the Irishman concealed inside and gives that a little kick. Thinking fast, the Irishman shouts out 'potatoes!!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbourner Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Man walks into a bar on his own and orders a drink. Whilst he's waiting he notices a really pretty young girl sat on the stool. He confidently walks over an asks "Can I buy you a drink?" She shouts "What!! You want to shag me up the arse?" The guy stutters "No, but!!" "What You really want to shag me up the arse!!" the woman shouts again. The locals are getting a bit restless and and giving the guy menacing looks. Thoroughly embarrased the guys gets his drink and retires to a corner of the bar.!! To his amazement to young girl walks over to him after about ten minutes and says "I'm sorry about that, I'm doing a study on embarrassment at university!!" To which the guy jumps up and shouts "£100 quid, 100 quid, just to shag you up the arse!!!":d H Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letmeshowyou Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Two lions walking down Oxford Street. One says to the other 'Quiet, isn't it?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VIL Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 As I started this thread heres another.... How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb......? Two if they are small enough! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VIL Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Paddy is walking down the street and sees a sandwich on the floor with two wires coming out of it. Concerned he calls the police and decribes what he has seen. The policeman on the other end of the phone says 'Paddy, did you notice if it was tickin' Paddy thinks for a moment and goes 'no, I think it was beef' !!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VIL Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 techie one...... How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just make dark the new industry standard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheefa Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 There are 10 kinds of people in the world... The ones that understand binary, and the ones that dont. I understand this, no really.......................... (What the fuck does it mean?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 There are 10 kinds of people in the world... The ones that understand binary, and the ones that dont. I understand this, no really.......................... (What the fuck does it mean?) Tbh I didn't either but I googled it and now I think its a great joke. Just don't tell anyone!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbourner Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 I didn't get it until mark mentioned not many people getting it in #62! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martin_a Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 What's 30ft long and stinks of piss? The conga line at an old people's home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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