Whats your favorite joke?

[SteveR]

lol some of these are class! I still like...

 

Q) Why are pirates called pirates?

 

 

A) Because they ARRRRRRRRR.

[geoffvalenti]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

 

'Fu*king get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fu*king manager of this pigs sh*t middle class w@nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

 

'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w@nker.'

 

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

 

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".

 

'W@nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'

 

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

 

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

 

'Fu*k it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

 

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

 

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fu*king wrote it!!!'

[RedM]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.

 

"I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

 

She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

 

Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

[RedM]

Bob is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Bob, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Bob, sell your business for £3 million."

 

After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Bobl, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Bob, take the £3 million to Las Vegas."

 

He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Bob , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." Bob hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

 

"Bob, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Bob gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Bob, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

 

"Bob, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Bob shouts.

 

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

 

"Hit me" Bob says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

 

The booming voice goes: "un-fu*king-believable!"

[RedM]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[Guest gzaerojon]

what has David Beckham got in common with ferrero rocher?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

they both come in a posh box

[Ewen]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world...

The ones that understand binary, and the ones that dont.

[RedM]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world...

The ones that understand binary, and the ones that dont.

 

I love that joke.

[vvteye]

Best Aussie accents please....

 

Bruce is sitting in his lounge watching the tele when he hears his missus Sheila screaming from the bathroom. He shoots upstairs and finds her stark naked, having just got out of the shower, doing the splits.

 

"What the fuck's happened Sheila?" he asks.

 

Sheila says sobbing, "I slipped on the wet floor and I can't get up".

 

Bruce tried desperately to pull her up but couldn't budge her. He said, "well you've gone and suctioned yourself to the floor with your fanny! I'll need to get Bill from next foor to help me shift you".

 

2 minutes later they are both there trying to lift her with absolutely no effect and Bill says," you've done a great job there Sheila, you really have suctioned yourself to the floor. I'll need to go back home and get a hammer then I'll smash the tiles around your fanny to break the vacuum, that way we can release the suction and get you free".

 

Bruce said "OK then, I'll start playing with her tit's ".

 

Bill said "what the fuck do you want to do that for?"

 

"Well I figure" Bill says, "if I can get her wet enough, I can slide her into the landing coz the tiles are cheaper there!"

[Lucifer]

Cats have 9 lives, which makes them ideal to experepent on.

[Ian C]

experepent

 

Word of the day

 

Paddy and Mick go to Mick's new house.

 

They go into the front room.

 

Paddy says "Chroist Mick, ye've an awful high ceiling in here?"

 

Mick says "Yeah. I had two rooms knocked into one."

[Babe]

A Muslim woman knocked on my door last night.

I never opened it, I just talked through the letterbox to see how she liked it.

[RedM]

Ian,

 

Best joke so far.

[MrHanky]

I can never remember jokes but I always remember this one.

 

There's an englishman, Irishman and a scotsman. They are at an interview to become spies for MI5. Its the final stage of the interview and one by one they are asked to do this final task to prove that they have what it takes to be a spy.

 

The englishman is first and is given a gun and asked to go into a room with his wife in and shoot her in the head. After 5 minutes he comes out in tears and says that he could not do it.

 

The scotsman is asked to do the same thing. 10 minutes goes by and he comes out saying that he loves her too much and that could not do it.

 

The irishman is last and goes in. Suddenly there is a load of noise coming from the room, screaming, shouting and things smashing. The irishman comes out sweating and out of breath and goes to the interviewer - "The sodding gun was empty so I had to beat the bitch to death"

[ross]

Why do women wear lots of perfume and make up?

 

 

Cos they all smell and they're ugly!

[vvteye]

Englishman. Scotsman and Irishman in a bar taliking about their teenage daughters....

 

The Englishman says, " I come home today and found my daughters coat on the floor. I picked it up and a packet of fags fell out of the pocket........... and I didn't know she smoked!"

 

 

Scotsman said, "I picked up my daugters bag off the chair yesterday and a bottle of whisky fell out....... and I didn't even know she drank!"

 

 

Irishman said, "well I went into my daughters bedroom the other night to close her window and found a packet of condoms on the bedside table....... (wait for it.......)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... and I didn't even know she had a cock!"

[Gaz6002]

I just thought i'd resurrect this thread as I was searching for a joke and this made me chuckle. So carry on with your favourite jokes!

 

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

 

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

 

"Two years," says the man.

 

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

 

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

[garetheves]

Two cows in a field, one turns to the other and says: "Im a bit worried about this Mad Cow Disease", to which the other replies, "Im not, i'm a helicopter".

 

Whats grey, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss.....A kidney dialysis machine.

[Rico2006]

Why havent they sent a woman to the moon? It doesnt need cleaning yet.

 

Man: Doctor, Doctor, ive got a strawberry up my arse.

Doctor: Mmmmm, ive got some cream for that.

[Havard]

Man goes to the doctors and says "Look doctor I've got a lettuce leaf sticking out of my arsehole!"

 

Doctor takes a closer and says "Oh Dear".

 

Man asks "Is is serious?"

 

Doctor says "Yes, it's just the tip of the iceberg!!!!"

[Sheefa]

What do you call a Donkey with 3 legs?

 

............ a wonkey!

 

Why did the orange stop half way down the road?

 

............ because it ran out of juice!

[Conrad]

How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?

 

It's wheelchair floats to the top.

 

[ross]

What do you call an artist with brown fingers?

 

 

Picasso:p

[part_timer]

Why were the baker's hands dirty??

 

 

Because he kneaded a poo!

[ivan]

Two nuns in a bath. The first says, "Where's the soap?". The second replies, "It does, doesn't it?".

 

My missus heard that one on Vicar Of Dibley years ago and didn't get it. She rang me up in Bosnia to get me to explain it for her...