VIL Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 There are a few jokes posted today so here is my favorite: Man walks onto the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and walks up to the bed where his wife is lying down and says "here is the pig i`ve been shagging while you have had a headache". His wife looks up and says darling thats a sheep not a pig, to which he replies "I was'nt talking to you" !!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snooze Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Man goes to a zoo. There's no animals there except a single dog..... ... it was a Shih Tzu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
osso Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Old but classic posted here before, but I love it. A young Penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when his oil light comes on. He gets out of the car and sees it is leaking oil all over the road. The Penguin drives to a service station and asks a mechanic to take a look. The mechanic says he has a few other jobs to do 1st, but if the penguin comes back in an hour, he'll know what's wrong. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He Finds an icecream shop and decides a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would really hit the spot...Of course he has no hands, so it's rather messy. By the time he's done he's got icecream all over his flippers and his mouth is a total mess. He walks back to the service station and asks the mechanic, "Did you find what's wrong?" The mechanic replies "it looks like you've blown a seal" "no , no," says the penguin. "it's just ice cream" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlotte Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 My favourite:- Three sisters, named Flora, Fiona and Fanny lived in the same village in Yorkshire and were renowned for their beauty, although all of them had extra large feet. One evening, Flora and Fiona went clubbing and were soon chatting to some lads. "By gum," said one of the lads. "Haven't you got big feet!" "Oh that's nothing!" they replied. "You should see our Fanny's, they're massive." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supragal Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 hahahaa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 I was going to say that one! but I couldn't find a good version... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? *Damn* I'm here all week Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperSupra Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 PMSL @ Charlotte's and Pete's Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gerry Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He souted "doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs" ! The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off" ! TC G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian C Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?" PMSL I haven't heard that one for years!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heckler Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Two birds sitting on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathman Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho Cheese!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max Headroom Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Two blokes in a cafe, one turns to the other and says "Pass the ketchup" and the other bloke says "My bike is outside" Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazla Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 murphy calls to see his mate paddy who has a broken leg. paddy says "my feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get my slippers" "no problem he says and runs upstairs there are paddys two stunning 19yr old twin daughters sitting on the bed. "hello girls, your dad sent me up to shag ya both" fuck off ya lair" they said "I'll prove it" says murph so he shouts down the stairs, "both of them paddy?" paddy replies "of course, whats the use in fucking one" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snooze Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Ack - I forgot: Two nuns in a bath. The first says, "Where's the soap?". The second replies, "It does, doesn't it?". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conrad Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Bloke goes to the doctors and says 'Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Cowboy' 'Oh really?' replies the Doctor 'So how long you felt like this for?' The man replies 'Oh, for about a YEE HAA!' :d Works much better when you say it out loud! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silvershark44 Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Old but classic posted here before, but I love it. A young Penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when his oil light comes on. He gets out of the car and sees it is leaking oil all over the road. The Penguin drives to a service station and asks a mechanic to take a look. The mechanic says he has a few other jobs to do 1st, but if the penguin comes back in an hour, he'll know what's wrong. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He Finds an icecream shop and decides a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would really hit the spot...Of course he has no hands, so it's rather messy. By the time he's done he's got icecream all over his flippers and his mouth is a total mess. He walks back to the service station and asks the mechanic, "Did you find what's wrong?" The mechanic replies "it looks like you've blown a seal" "no , no," says the penguin. "it's just ice cream" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silvershark44 Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Whats ET short for???? He has only got little legs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BEERSHZ Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?" "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across." The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!" (No offence to any policemen on here) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest gzaerojon Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 I was asked to print out an address label for a package,but this was all the information i got.....In the village of Hurbum Herts near Tillet Town, lives Lucy Lykes who owns the Cockwell Inn... So the address label should read : Lucy Lykes The Cockwell Inn Hurbum Tillet Herts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muffleman Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Two snowmen in a field, one says 'do you smell carrots ?' Two muffins in the oven, one says 'phew it's warm in here' the other one says 'HOLY CRAP - A TALKING MUFFIN' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 "What do you use a wombat for?" "Playing wom!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 I love all jokes. Badder the better. My favorite joke of all time is the Pianist with Turettes joke, but its too long to post again and I cant find the original... So you have to make do with this one. President Bush's limo exploded in flames after running off the road and crashing into a tree..... al Qaeda claimed they planted it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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