pump gas pete Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Subject: The Squirrel and the Grasshopper REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE BRITISH VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London. In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. ******** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penguin Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 thats so true - it's not even funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
geoffvalenti Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 You've got it spot on Pete, but then you normally do Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pump gas pete Posted August 20, 2006 Author Share Posted August 20, 2006 I did not write it but I would love to have done!! It came from my friend in Jersey . She gets lots of bits like this. I can now cut and paste.....there will no stopping me..... "Darren Ive cut and pasted the exhaust system while you have been on holiday what do you think?" Why have you not entered the competition? Peter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragonball Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Brilliant - wish I could laugh! Not sure who I despise the most - The fecking nanny state liberals! The thieving lying scumbags who dodge the system! The bloody religious fanatics living off our system and then blowing us up! The truly incompetant politicians lining their own pockets! The lilly livered opposition party who will say anything to get into power! Bah... guess I'm just a grumpy old git But who else is with me? BTW - being a 'grumpy' does not require a certain age range - just an 'attitude' of mind Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pump gas pete Posted August 20, 2006 Author Share Posted August 20, 2006 I make no further comment than that I am further right than Ghengis Khan and I will not participate in some threads for fear of arrest. I am watching the country I served.... disintergrate Peter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pump gas pete Posted August 20, 2006 Author Share Posted August 20, 2006 OK this squirrel has finally finished his paperwork with a view to having sufficient funds for my Supra habit...... so as a last post for the day.... enter the competition ........ read "best" which should have read "best complaint letter" its brilliant..... I wish I knew who wrote it. Peter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivan Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 You missed a bit: The squirrel moved out to Australia so there was nobody left earning enough money to tax... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daston Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 The way this contry has gone is rubbish I dont know if it has always been like this and I was just to ignorant to notice or if it has just changed. I do fell like somthing needs to be done perhapes Hitler and all the other great dictators had some good ideas after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soop Dogg Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 How could anyone make up such an unbelievable story?!! Hang on.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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