MaveriK Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Chuck Norris has never cried. 2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. 6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. 7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. 9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. 10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. Additional Chuck Norris Facts Ø There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Ø Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Ø Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. Ø Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. Ø The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. Ø If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Ø Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. Ø Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Ø There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. Ø Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Ø Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Ø Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Ø When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Ø The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. Ø A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Ø Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. Ø Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. Ø Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Ø The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. Ø Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Ø Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. Ø Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Ø Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Ø Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Ø Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Ø Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Ø Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. Ø Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds. Ø Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Ø If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself. Ø Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. Ø Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. Ø The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. Ø In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. I'll be here all week!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian R Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Chris Moyles was on about this a few weeks ago Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaveriK Posted March 23, 2006 Author Share Posted March 23, 2006 He obviously has been copying me again the nasty little misanthrope! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Already done HERE Chuck Norris does not have a SEARCH button. He has a pain button. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobbeh Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Chris Moyles was on about this a few weeks ago Another topic hes years behind on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angarak Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 The man himself reads out the Top 10 http://www.filelodge.com/files/12/chuck_norris_reads_chuck_norris_facts.wmv Chuck Norris - the web game http://hallpass.com/media/chucknorris.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rich Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 chuck norris kicks ass!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorin Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 I'd read these before, this one always makes me laugh... Ø Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ark Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 Chuck's cool, how how fares he in the Ultimate Showdown? http://www.ultimateshowdown.org/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angarak Posted March 23, 2006 Share Posted March 23, 2006 My favourite to date is: "Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the [f*ck] Chuck Norris is." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darren-K Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 But Bruce Lee leathered him, broke his left wrist,. right lower leg then his back Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
attilauk Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian C Posted March 27, 2006 Share Posted March 27, 2006 Hilarious haven't watched a Chuck Norris film for years, Is Delta Force 1 and 2 still any good? (Don't talk to me about III) -Ian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darren-K Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 try the bruce lee film featuring chuck norris,.. Game of Death its where bruce kills chuck. its in this clip from google :http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-407892439139457720&q=chuck+norris&pl=true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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