Another few Friday jokes

[Chris Wilson]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just fuck off and leave me alone.

 

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

 

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you' re going to steal your neighbour' s milk, that' s the time to do it.

 

4. Sex is like air. It' s not important unless you aren't getting any.

 

5. Don' t be irreplaceable. If you can' t be replaced, you can' t be promoted.

 

6. No one is listening until you fart.

 

7. Always remember you' re unique. Just like everyone else.

 

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

9. If you think nobody cares whether you' re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

 

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you' re a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

11. If at first you don' t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 

14. If you tell the truth, you don' t have to remember anything.

 

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

 

16. Don' t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

 

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

 

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

23. Experience is something you don' t get until just after you need it.

 

 

 

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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks

at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.

[SuperSupra]

 

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks

at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.

 

 

Classic - gonna use that as a chat up line for sure!

[JohnA]

Nice one with Bond, hadn't heard that one before...