Bill Prawn Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer. CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go. (Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie) BARKER: Four Candles! CORBETT: Four Candles? BARKER: Four Candles. (Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter) BARKER: No, four candles! CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles! BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks! (Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next? BARKER: Got any plugs? CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs? BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom. (Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter) CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size? BARKER: Thirteen amp! CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs! (He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away) BARKER: Saw tips! CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that? BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws. CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next? BARKER: 'O's! CORBETT: 'O's? BARKER: 'O's. (He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter) BARKER: No, 'O's! CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's! (He places the hose onto the counter) BARKER: No, 'O's! CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him) BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's! CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there! (He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's) CORBETT: How many d'you want? BARKER: Two. (Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter) CORBETT: Yes, next? BARKER: Got any P's? CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want? BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas! CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on? BARKER: I'm not! (Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas) CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next? BARKER: Got any pumps? CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on! BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps! CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere. (He puts the pump down on the counter) BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine! CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on! BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not! CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next? BARKER: Washers! CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers? BARKER: 'Alf inch washers! CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there! JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two? (He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevenb Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 PMSL..... The man was a legend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellis Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Best sketch ever - he will be sadly missed - a comic legend Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieSteve Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Best sketch ever. RIP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supradibbs Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 very sad loss rip ronnie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz Walker Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Best sketch ever. RIP That was a classic. RIP Gaz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_M Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 "What with these feet?" Comedy legend. RIP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jezz Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 So its goodnight from him....... R.I.P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJ Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 Yes, a very funny man and not just in the Two Ronnies. He was fecking brilliant in Open All Hours too. RIP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martynb Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 A really funny guy is such a rarity, no-one around to replace him imho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scoboblio Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 A legend of a comedian, very sad day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green Peace Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 A Comedy Legend no less...my favourite was 'Porridge' I was pretty sad about him retireing in 1987...but at least he had a good retirement! It seems all the good people have left this world.... John Thaw, John Peel, Mo Mowlem and now Ronnie Barker....shame they cant live forever..but their wisdom or their joy they brought to us all will without a doubt!!! With much respect Si Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MARTIN R Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Porridge was class, RIP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian R Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Yep he was a Legend Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sooper-supra Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 What a legend Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I loved that guy and grew up with him....papers are saying he died of a broken heart, ref his son and the charges pending if he comes back to the UK...such a shame if true, that a man who made so many laugh went out on such an unfunny note. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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