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Are relationships worth the hassle?


Max5437

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Sorry to hear what happened man, it's never fun. However, such is life.

 

I can assure you that once you get over this and you find someone else, chances are they won't be the one either, nor the one after that (rinse and repeat). Yet, all these experiences of being with other people will help shape you as a person (hopefully for the better) and it will help you understand what it is to have someone that you can spend your life with when you finally meet them.

 

Obviously some people find "the one" sooner than others, and if you are that person then you are lucky. If not, don't get discouraged it will come when the time is ready. In the meantime, I know you said you are shy but being a young person just get out there and have some fun, don't go in with the intention of finding a partner. You will have the rest of your adult life to have a stable partner but you can only be young and frivolous once

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been there got the t-shirt dude, apart from the girl i was with was cheating behind my back. I left was beat up about it for a long time but got into the gym, got confidence back made friends with allot of different people.

It takes time but it will all be worth it when you've finished your degree and your in uni bud its all about the party's and sleeping with the girls? as well as getting your head down and doing the work.

 

as others have said live your life and someone will fall into it but of course go and explore make friends and try not to think of every girl as a target ( I DID and got nothing ) then decide to talk to them as people and have a laugh with them, this is when things led to fun times :)

 

Ps get out in the car and in the gym and all problems usually go away when your having fun.

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Sorry to hear what happened man, it's never fun. However, such is life.

 

I can assure you that once you get over this and you find someone else, chances are they won't be the one either, nor the one after that (rinse and repeat). Yet, all these experiences of being with other people will help shape you as a person (hopefully for the better) and it will help you understand what it is to have someone that you can spend your life with when you finally meet them.

 

Obviously some people find "the one" sooner than others, and if you are that person then you are lucky. If not, don't get discouraged it will come when the time is ready. In the meantime, I know you said you are shy but being a young person just get out there and have some fun, don't go in with the intention of finding a partner. You will have the rest of your adult life to have a stable partner but you can only be young and frivolous once

 

thank you, hopefully wont be to much crap to wade through before finding someone worth my time but for now i have changed a great deal although i am slightly concerned though that it is not all for the better, i care a lot less about people opinions or about people in generally after being with her, i have become lazy when it comes to helping people and i always doubt whether I'm moving in the right direction with a lot of aspects of life. i guess time will tell, thank you, will be sure to try and get out more, fear being home alone is only going to make this harder.

 

Dude, first things first, you're not alone.

It happens.

Staying with her through depression is admirable.

Not your fault, or hers it just happens.

 

Second thing, may sound harsh but shit happens.

I've lived by that philosophy ever since I lost my grandad (he was my hero and all he ever wanted was to see me join the same regiment he had served in. As well as my Dad so it was a massive thing when I joined)

 

Thirdly, she sounds like she needs someone in her life.

She's probably had depression for many years but never knew.

She needs attention from a significant other, probably not received it properly in her younger years.

But she can't cope with it, but still craves it.

 

You had your own issues, which quite frankly you haven't dealt with either and projected onto her, while she was projecting her issues on to you.

 

There is a good side to this believe it or not.

You experienced life, something different to your norm.

Out of your comfort zone and something out of character.

 

What you need to do is now embrace that.

Choose 1 day a week where you do something different than what you normally do.

 

And by the sounds of it, your shyness has cause a depressive state within you and you just haven't noticed.

 

If you ever need a chat give me a shout.

 

I suffered severe depression and PTSD after I was shot in Iraq, which changed me completely.

Took me a long time to get over certain aspects, but one thing I found great was being open about it.

Once I accepted my flaws and faults I got better.

 

 

Don't try and think about the negatives of that relationship, it ended bad and had so many bad memories at the end, but concentrate on the good.

 

Those times you felt great, you need that in your normal life.

 

Good luck bud

 

Thank you, the depression was very hard to deal with to be honest and her taking it out on me brought out a lot of repressed issues i thought i had got past, i opened up completely to her so she knew exactly how to wear me down and the worst thing was that she did on an almost daily basis and that's another area to try and get passed, although my mum has always tried her best my dad was a bully due to pushing his insecurities on me and then i was bullied at school. my dad only stopped when i finally snapped, and i'm not proud of it but held a carving knife to his throat at 13 and that was what finally made him stop, for a few years then when it started again I had started on the gym and boxing so ended up dropping him again at 16 but since he leaves me alone but the home dynamic is very complicated and shattered with my mum not knowing 99% of this. Ill be sure to try doing something new when i can, its part of what i enjoyed with the relationship, the new experiences and there was a lot of them by the end.

To be fair part of the reason i posted the above was hoping for some mature advice, none of my mates have ever been in the situation before and don't understand whats its like, they try but its not the same as from someone like yourself who has been through a significantly harder time and developed from it. she did have issued far predating the relationship, some was down to her dad as he did everything for her until her brother was born aged 6/7 and she never got over the transition of not getting all the attention, and the same happened when she was a teenager and that was repressed too until i provided a stable enough environment apparently for it to all come out and boy did it all come out. thank you for your offer, might take you up on it as my friends just don't really understand the psychology of it all. The happy memories just make this all the harder to deal with as i miss those times as they were perfect looking back on them through my rose tinted glasses. Cheers really appreciate all that and glad you recovered well mate

 

First of all thank you for all the responses, was expecting this much but it has all helped

 

Your just going to have to learn to take it and brush it off, as your first itll be the worst one and the one you always remember. Theres only 1st love which will be totally different to the rest. What a great feeling and time you had eh! Most of us have had it...your not the only one. This is why you cant put yourself in someone elses hand. Look at her, 24hrs and shes on it already? Bro...shes been talking with this other dude for a while, garunteed. She let you fall for her and f**ked you off. Simples for her. And that's it, that's how it goes...not worth it unless shes super super special. And no...having a supra dosent fill 'that' gap.

 

I think its the deceit that hurts, I can accept that the relationship didn't work no matter how hard i tried but the back handed way shes dating someone new already, that's hard to deal with plus she was saying when we broke up how much she regretted that we were happier apart and all that utter crap. i can deal with something logical but being backhanded and deceitful is just a step further imo. thank you :)

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Social media is a bit of a curse for people today, in my opinion - great in some respects, but such an easy medium for people to use to pretend their life is something it's not.

 

From what you've written, she sounds as if she's got some pretty big issues... have you considered the possibility that her Tweets are designed solely to wound you and may not actually be true...?

 

I've become a bit of a cynic over the years and tend not to take too much on social media at face value so, if it were me in your shoes, I'd be questioning whether things were written specifically with you in mind, rather than being factually correct.

 

If what she's written is true then honestly, you're better off far away from her! She sounds incredibly self-absorbed and, frankly, really ungrateful - nobody needs someone like that in their life, mate.

 

I've been where you've been and it's not pleasant or easy to get through, but you will get through it. Just tell yourself all the things you've written here and she'll start to fade into memory, where she belongs...

 

Chin up!

 

Couldn't agree more about social media being a curse yet its become such an integral part of society i can only see it getting worse. I had suspicions for the past month or so as she became very shielded and happier to answer her phone than be with me so wouldn't surprise me if there was someone else, towards the end she became so irrational and generally a mess that half the time she wasn't the person i knew and cared about, she became the kind of girl i wouldnt put it past tbh, thank you

 

 

 

I felt obliged to help her, my conscience got me in a lot of trouble but i was just trying to do the right thing, life sure is, didn't see things going like this for certain, thank you

 

I would say yes relationships are worth it, once you get the right one, I have been with my missus now for getting on for 11 years and married for 8 of that, however even then its not that easy.. but the pros outweigh the cons.

 

Beforehand I had relationships and experiences which almost mimic exactly what you are going through. However, its these bad relationships which also help mold you into a different person, how to look at things differently, how to act differently in a situation, I know for sure that If i didn't have bad relationships in the past where I learnt valuable lessons on how to treat and be treated my relationship now would probably not be existent.

 

It sounds like you are quite young, experience is earned over tine and you have to look at it that way otherwise you will shrink back. Keep moving forward, yeah it feels really bad when you see things like that.

I walked in on one of my ex GF with another guy who didn't know I was her current BF, it turns out she had two phones one for me and one for him. Looking back I should have seen the signs of which I wont go into now but if you have no experience of that then its hard to spot.

 

The most important thing is once a relationship is over even if its "friends" (After a relationship friends hardly ever works as one person will always want more than the other) don't look back or see how they are doing, once girls are done with a guy they will have nothing good to say as the majority are too weak to admit that they were part of the problem, its easier to blame it on the guy and make themselves look like they were the victim. Its why guys get such a bad wrap all the time... For the meantime, forget her, get involved in the car, surround yourself with mates, go to meets it will get easier to handle over time.

 

That's a great way of looking at it, it has been a massive learning curve and my lack of knowledge with relationships sure shone through on a number of occasions, going back i would do a lot of things differently and who knows how things would have been different. That's an awful thing to walk in and experience, i don't understand what posses people to do such disrespectful things but i'm glad it has worked out for you in the end . i don't think i could ever be friends with someone after being that close to someone and i have definitely noticed that i have received the blame for everything that went wrong. Thank you

 

Been through this sort of relationship in my early 20s what a waste of my life. 24hrs and getting with someone else lol....

 

She's a slag fella. Best to stay away from that sort, even if the sandwiches are good.

 

she couldn't cook anyways hence she cost me so much and wouldn't let me cook either, thank you, your right I'm better of without her!

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And new doors shall open

You'll soon realise that you've had a lucky escape.

Dodged a bullet imo

 

Fingers crossed, just gutted it ended like it has, but your right, onto bigger and better things thank you

 

From what I have read, you have had a lucky escape. I am assuming you are young (20's).

 

She sounds like a very selfish and toxic individual and hides behind stress and depression as a means to control you. You have pretty much sold yourself short to her and "given" yourself to her at a very early stage. Relationships need so much chemistry to work long term but the main thing is mutual respect and it sounds like she doesn't respect you. If she has moved on so quickly, that pretty much seals it. Let someone else put up with her baggage..!! I know you are shy but most people want what you want, attention. With social media and dating sites, it has never been easier to meet people.

 

There are women out there who would really appreciate how kind and considerate you are but don't be a doormat. People treat you how you allow yourself to be treated....

 

I know you are shy but you need to overcome that and just accept that you need to start again. From what you have posted, I wouldn't go back there for anything..!!

 

 

Unless she had decent tits.

 

H.

 

Thank you, i can see that now after stepping back from the situation, I did let myself be her doormat and getting together so quickly was a huge mistake as I dont think we would have got together if it hadn't been so intense and quick. I most certainly couldn't go back to her after what happened and wont make that mistake again with some selfish bitch who just uses people. couldnt agree more about letting someone else deal with her baggage and there was plenty of it ! there was no respect and feel like a mug for putting up with it tbh. never know might one day find a girl who bothers to make an effort for my interests, I bought a new car just before we broke up and she didn't so much as look at it when it was parked outside her door, saying thats money i could have used to take her on holiday the selfish bitch, no tits is worth that amount of crap! would love to have a gf that would at least fake interest.

 

Every time I read a story like this it just reinforces my resolve to stay single. I couldnt be happier doing my own thing when I want, going where I want and can never understand people's single, bloody minded desire to get in a relationship. I have a female friend who is exactly like that, depsite all that she has she doesnt feel complete unless she has an other half.

 

I feel sorry for you but hopefully you've learnt a valuable life lesson - Always put yourself first, never sacrifice your mental health or money for a woman, theyre basically just snakes with tits...

 

And besides the stats for relationships lasting the course are depressingly low so at some point, you're all going to go through it. And with that cheery thought I bid you Happy Friday

 

I suppose it means i know what to look for next time, i don't understand how you can give someone everything and they are never satisfied, i have certaily been put off looking for a relationship now, would rarther just focus on me. thank you learned they are snakes the hard way. single life is the way forward if you want to be happy it seems, plus more money for car parts.. lol

 

Any evidence of this? Revenge porn may make you feel better... [emoji6]

 

A few points.

 

1. B*tches be crazy.

 

2. If we couldn't shag 'em, we wouldn't bother.

 

3. Plenty of other fish in the sea. Better fish too, by the sounds of things.

 

4. Don't bother looking for Miss Right. Have a dabble with Miss Right-Now, whoever they may be. Enjoy yourself. You'll bump into Miss Right when the time's right.

 

Thank you, thought i had miss right now and that ended in fire haha fingers crossed thank you

 

Sounds like my mum...! Seriously, she sounds broken, and sometimes you just have to throw broken things away and find something new.

 

Chin up, it can work. I've got an absolute diamond of a girl, and I just sort of fell into the relationship.

 

Concentrate on living your life how you want and it the rest will come naturally.

 

Thank you, fingers crossed, hopefully somone decent will fall into my life at some point but agree just focus on me now

 

- - - Updated - - -

 

 

Very good advice particularly from Al.

 

My 2p worth:

 

1) It's really hard with your first love. You do a lot of things for the first time (not just sex). The rush of feel-good chemicals in your brain when you're in love can be extremely powerful, and the feeling and memories really gets under your skin (in a great way when it's going well, and in a "I'm grasping a burning hot coal" painful kind of way when it's not).

 

2) Why has Havard not prescribed a lemsip and a w**k? Is he feeling OK?

 

3) I do think you're better off without her. That's really cliched and sounds straight out of the agony-aunt pages, but I believe it to be true. I refer to Al's excellent advice here. Sure, she has depression and probably needs support to help her with that. Her treating you like dirt may be a symptom of that, but it won't help her or you.

 

4) You probably hate her right now for posting up that stuff about seeing another guy. I think she's done you a favour by saying that. It's clarified that she's either using emotional blackmail to win you back (and that story's unlikely to have a happy ending, because I can't see that behaviour changing for a very long time) or b) she is very quick to move on, which suggests she was either seeing someone else already, or she is desperate to have a boyfriend. Needing a boyfriend/girlfriend is different from finding someone you want to spend your life with. One starts with "I need a guy/girl, I'll go out and find one", and the other is "Wow, you're fantastic, can we get to know each other better?"

 

Try not to hate her. I don't think she was with you for the intention of using you. Love is tricky. She's dealing with the breakup in the way she knows. So must you.

 

Couldn't agree more about the first love statement, was a interesting experience to say the least and agree that it became a vicious cycle that brought us both down. I know what you mean but its hard to not hate her at the moment, gave her everything and got nothing to show except a load of crap feelings, loads of coursework and very few mates left. her depression and issues were there long before i was there and the most ironic reason that it all came out was because i apparently provided a stable enough environment to deal with her repressed issues. we never wanted the same things from the relationship although she claimed she wanted it to be long term but she was the type who would be happy living in a flat working a few days a week, half decent car and a few holidays a year compared to me who wants a nice house, nice cars, a life where i can do what i want when i want and I'm happy to work for that, but she never supported that dream and wanted me to stay working in tesco behind a till. thank you that does help

 

#1 - Go back to the gym, try a different workout and alter your diet. Set some goals e.g. "I have 14" biceps... I'll give myself 3 months to go up to 14.5""

 

#2 - Talk to your friends, see how they're doing, invite them out to dinner/pub/come over and play some video games

 

#3 - Get some chores done like painting your house or buy some new furniture

 

#4 - Unfollow/unfriend the girl on social media, she clearly has a disregard for your feelings. Just get rid of her

 

#5 - You're not alone, happens to everyone. You're allowed to be sad, it's natural. Just focus on yourself for a bit.

 

Bonus point:

 

Bad news is your friends who are in relationships are lucky... They only have to please one woman

 

Started on the gym again since this started to flake and it has been a massive help and back up to my normal weight now which is nice, will try and set some goals properly though, thanks issue with friends at the moment is they all work 5 days a week and i work weekends as I'm studying during the week but i should try and organise something, have zero plans for my 20th now which sucks! thank you

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Abso-ferkin-lutely!!!

 

Don't always listen to family and friends, but do take notice if everyone is saying the same. Needs to be give and take, which doesn't mean one gives the other takes! Focus on 'you' for a bit, studying, car etc and it'll pan out. That relationship wasn't worth it, others will be.

 

thanks, they all did for months and i was too stubborn to listen and I'm paying for it now, definitely going to focus on me from now on and not make the same mistakes again! Cheers

 

As mentioned by everyone, it seems your life would be much better off without her and respect for trying to help her with her depression, not an easy thing to do.

 

I'd now take some time back for yourself and start doing what you want to do; get back down the gym, concentrate on your studies, make amends with your friends and family.

 

Things will pick up for you, everything will happen in its own time...life is a crazy journey

 

been there got the t-shirt dude, apart from the girl i was with was cheating behind my back. I left was beat up about it for a long time but got into the gym, got confidence back made friends with allot of different people.

It takes time but it will all be worth it when you've finished your degree and your in uni bud its all about the party's and sleeping with the girls? as well as getting your head down and doing the work.

 

as others have said live your life and someone will fall into it but of course go and explore make friends and try not to think of every girl as a target ( I DID and got nothing ) then decide to talk to them as people and have a laugh with them, this is when things led to fun times :)

 

Ps get out in the car and in the gym and all problems usually go away when your having fun.

 

That's awful, sorry it happened to you, and well i'm off to uni in September for my last year hopefully, cheers I'm not one to target really as I'm a bit of a recluse but planning on changing that now, cant let things get on top and the gym and cars help for sure along with all the replies this thread got, its nice to get input from people who are in no way involved and it has been a big help and really concreted what i need to do with this. thank you.

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1. You had a lucky escape!! Be thankful for that.

 

2. Don't look a her twitter. Rookie mistake there fella . Wont do you any favours, unfollow that b*tch.

 

3. Plenty more fish in the sea so start fishing!!

 

Your be fine buddy! :)

 

Cheers mate, yeah wont be checking again and just looking to move past her and the whole horrid situation

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I suppose it means i know what to look for next time, i don't understand how you can give someone everything and they are never satisfied, i have certaily been put off looking for a relationship now, would rarther just focus on me. thank you learned they are snakes the hard way. single life is the way forward if you want to be happy it seems, plus more money for car parts.. lol

 

They key to it is, when you're not looking for love, it tends to fall in your lap. Also mate, its probably a classic case of you need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. A confident man is attractive. Apparently...

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Everything Al said is nail on the head. Just to also echo if you need another set of ears for the psychological side of it give me a pm.

 

I still remember my first love from 18 years ago, there's never anything like it although time (sounds clichéd) is a good healer and you do eventually find your eyes opening to the fact that the way things are wouldn't have been sustainable over a lifetime.

 

Chalk it off as your first big lesson in love, and prioritise yourself.

 

If bedding dozens of birds at uni and going to car shows etc and partying all the time isn't your thing then just find yourself a hobby and enjoy it for you and you only.

 

All the best mate.

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I would say yes relationships are worth it, once you get the right one, I have been with my missus now for getting on for 11 years and married for 8 of that, however even then its not that easy.. but the pros outweigh the cons.

 

Beforehand I had relationships and experiences which almost mimic exactly what you are going through. However, its these bad relationships which also help mold you into a different person, how to look at things differently, how to act differently in a situation, I know for sure that If i didn't have bad relationships in the past where I learnt valuable lessons on how to treat and be treated my relationship now would probably not be existent.

 

It sounds like you are quite young, experience is earned over tine and you have to look at it that way otherwise you will shrink back. Keep moving forward, yeah it feels really bad when you see things like that.

I walked in on one of my ex GF with another guy who didn't know I was her current BF, it turns out she had two phones one for me and one for him. Looking back I should have seen the signs of which I wont go into now but if you have no experience of that then its hard to spot.

 

The most important thing is once a relationship is over even if its "friends" (After a relationship friends hardly ever works as one person will always want more than the other) don't look back or see how they are doing, once girls are done with a guy they will have nothing good to say as the majority are too weak to admit that they were part of the problem, its easier to blame it on the guy and make themselves look like they were the victim. Its why guys get such a bad wrap all the time... For the meantime, forget her, get involved in the car, surround yourself with mates, go to meets it will get easier to handle over time.

 

Good post. :thumbs:

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Wow. Sorry to read that bud it's never a good situation to be in. I think most can relate to this situation at some stage in our lives. No offence but she sounds like a right spoiled selfish Ar##hole. She will do the same to the next guy although it's not nice to read how happy she is. For all you know it's a smoke screen so people see it but it may not be 100% true. Focus on yourself mate and get back on track. Keep busy and don't let it get to you. Not all women are like that, granted they are ALL mental but they just vary in level being a muppet. Chin up Mate and hope it gets better for you. It will there's no mistake about that bud. To be honest with it ending you dodged a bullet she could have ended up pregnant and seen her true colours of selfishness for years to come.

 

Beer and strippers for a few months mate and knock a few angry wanks out it will all be fine dude. :)

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Q: "Are relationships worth the hassle?"

A: Too many people seem to put up with a lot of crap from their partner because they believe that can't do any better. A friend of mine used to come into work after every weekend and tell me about unholy rows they'd had like it was just normal, a matter of course. Doesn't everyone do this?

He split up from his ex and found someone really nice and he suddenly realised he'd spent years of torment with this previous woman and that it wasn't normal at all!

 

I'm lucky I found someone who is kind, understanding, shares the same views on most things and we both have give and take in the relationship.

We've probably had two arguments in our time together - that's over 22 years now. We might disagree on a few things, but no proper rows.

 

My advice, find someone you can get on with in life...everybody needs somebody.

 

Don't ask me where to find this in the modern world though, that's a complete mystery to me.

 

Oh, and don't try too hard. Sit back, enjoy being single for a while and the time you have to yourself for now. Getting stressed out about it will only make it more difficult.

 

 

Unless she had decent tits.

 

H.

 

They'll fade, besides you can see those on the Internet or on most Dragonball runs if you hang out with certain people.

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Firstly, good lad for writing this up the way you have. It takes guts to share personal information about relationships and loved ones, especially when the details involved aren't exactly enlightening. Second, I think that everyone in life, at one point or another, will find themselves in a relationship that they have serious doubts about, and that's when things are usually the toughest. I'd know because I've been there already, twice, but the fact is you need to do whatever it is that you need/want to do, and in this situation I honestly believe a great amount of good will come from walking away from this girl. It will be tough because she's your first real love and you've never shared the experiences that you've had with her with anyone else, but going from what you have written she sounds like bad news my friend. You say your entire life you have been somewhat 'shy', well now it is the perfect time to put your own priorities first, get out there and socialize with new people, get your degree, land a solid job and start living life your way. Maybe even meet a new lass - who knows. Excuse the phrase but you only live once, so make the most of it!

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Well done for opening up here, we got a lovely community of people and like you say a wealth of experiences.

 

I can only add that you have certainly dodged a bullet and you should be very grateful, I have sort of been there with an ex but luckily it didn't last long at all. The best I think was to block her entirely, so block phone, didn't have much social media back then but blocked from that and thankfully I was very happy. She tried getting in touch through friends but I just reminded them I am not interested in the slightest bit, even though she wanted to be just friends.

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Well done for opening up here, we got a lovely community of people and like you say a wealth of experiences.

 

I can only add that you have certainly dodged a bullet and you should be very grateful, I have sort of been there with an ex but luckily it didn't last long at all. The best I think was to block her entirely, so block phone, didn't have much social media back then but blocked from that and thankfully I was very happy. She tried getting in touch through friends but I just reminded them I am not interested in the slightest bit, even though she wanted to be just friends.

 

I don't get it .... Must be a short thing :D unless you just pretend to be boring :p

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If you need to feel better regarding thinking you have issues etc then speak to Jazz1.... after 10 minutes you'll find yourself skipping down the road high- fiving everyone in range.

 

lol I know its not meant to be funny but I guess what you mean is that, there is someone out there worst off than you.

 

Max, just like every member has said so far, be thankful you spilt up now. No one gets over a heart break quickly but in time you will see you dodged a bullet.

 

For now focus on your degree and get yourself back on track plus, you are in college/uni plenty of new people to meet. You are still young plenty of time so don't need to rush yourself. :)

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Dude...

 

From the sounds of it, you wanted out.. and for good reasons. She knew this and that's why she posted those childish tweets. They were for your benefit and no one else's. Remember that.

 

Getting over someone can be hard, especially if they are playing games as she seems to be doing. My advice: remember her for who she really was. Forget the good times and focus on how selfish and dark she really is to the core (from the sounds of it). It'll help.

 

Without sounding too cheesy, this is the start of your 'love life'. You meet some good ones, you meet some horrific ones. Just be thankful you're a step closer to the person who truly deserves you, your family... and your best mate.

 

Chin up.

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You may find that once you have walked away, she may come running. That is the time to show back bone and tell her a few home truths. That type of people don't deserve happiness. You want someone who thinks of YOU first, even before themselves.

 

Good luck and don't try to hard. It's not as if you had kids, house etc. Then it gets really complicated..!!

 

H.

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