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2 jokes - not for the easily offended.


CJ

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So this fella goes to the doctors, and he asks the doctor for some contraception.

 

The doctor replies "certainly, is it for yourself?", he says "no, its for my daughter".

 

The doctor says "no problem, how old is your daughter?". The fella replies "7".

 

The doctor is startled, and says to the fella "your daughter is sexually active, at 7?"

 

The fella replies "well, I wouldnt say active, she just sort of lies there, like her brother"

 

 

Brilliant :rlol:

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To be Eight Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since herbirthday was not

far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

 

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World themepark. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, theWall of Fear, the Screaming RollerCoaster, everything there was.

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling andher stomach felt upside

down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal withextra fries and a

chocolate shake.

 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, whatwas it like being eight again?

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

 

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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To be Eight Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since herbirthday was not

far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

 

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World themepark. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, theWall of Fear, the Screaming RollerCoaster, everything there was.

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling andher stomach felt upside

down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal withextra fries and a

chocolate shake.

 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, whatwas it like being eight again?

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

 

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

Proper LOL :)

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Who Needs the Gym

 

Giving .........head....... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.

 

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth

 

Having nice sex burnes 358 calories.

 

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

 

 

Take off her clothes

with her consent.........................12 cal

without......................187 cal

 

Take off her Bra

With two hands..........................8 cal

With one hand.........................12 cal

With mouth.............................85 cal

 

Put on Protection

hard ........................... 6 cal

soft..........................315 cal

 

Foreplay

Looking for target...................8 cal

Finding G spot ......................92 cal

I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal

 

Entry

Holding her..................12 cal

On the floor.................8 cal

 

With Different Position

Missionary..........................358 cal

Doggy...........................316 cal

69 lying...............................286 cal

69 standing.............................512 cal

Italian hanger.........................912 cal

 

Orgasm

Real................................112 cal

Faking................................315 cal

 

After "O"

Lying in Bed............................18 cal

Hop off the bed............................36 cal

Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal

 

 

Get dressed

Quiet and calm...........................32 cal

Rushing.........................98 cal

Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal

Heard her dad/2 yr old baby sista at the door.............1942 cal

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by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo

Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

 

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as

fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This

natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general

speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular

killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain

can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake

of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks

the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular

consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the

brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel

smarter after a few beers."

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  • 2 weeks later...

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