adnanshah247 Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 JOKE 1 One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**ch knows I'm smarter than her. JOKE 2 Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?' He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. JOKE 3 Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?' JOKE 4 Prison vs Work Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. AT PRISON You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell AT WORK You spend the majority of your time In an 6X6 cubicle/office AT PRISON You get three meals a day fully paid for AT WORK You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it AT PRISON You get time off for good behaviour AT WORK You get more work for good behaviour AT PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you AT WORK You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself AT PRISON You can watch TV and play games AT WORK You could get fired for watching TV and playing games AT PRISON You get your own toilet AT WORK You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat AT PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit AT WORK You aren't even supposed to speak to your family AT PRISON All expenses are paid by the tax payers with no work required AT WORK You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners AT PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out AT WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars AT PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens AT WORK They are called managers MORE TO COME LATER!!!!!!!!!!! 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fastcar Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 That first joke is absoulot class Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adnanshah247 Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 That first joke is absoulot class i know lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross C Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 hahaha. they are all brilliant, but that first one is absolute class. certainly cheered me up this thursday!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyson Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 That first made me laugh !! Keep them coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ripped_fear Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 first 3 where good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob W Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 That first one made me actually lol on the train Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Josh Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fastcar Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 That first one made me actually lol on the train Nothing more embarrassing then that lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Shane_ Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I enjoyed them, door sales man joke was good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adnanshah247 Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 Will get some more jokes up in a couple of days. glad u lot liked em! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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