Gazza - Posted due to lack of Friday funny

[GeordieSteve]

The following 50 points are probably the reasons why

Gazza never fulfilled his full potential...even if you don't follow football this is worth a read.

 

1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker

and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit...boots included.

 

2) When asked for his nationality before an operation,

told the nurse:

"Church Of England."

 

3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to

demand"a go" on a

workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead,

happily pounded

the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.

 

4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss

his big-money

move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the

esteemed gentleman

that he reminded him of Russ Abbot.

 

5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the

splendid idea of

augmenting team line-ups with footage of each player

mouthing his own

name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the

process by, instead,

mouthing 'f***ing w***ker.' Broadcasters across the

world had to use

it all the way through the tournament.

 

6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for

then-Newcastle team-mate

Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.

 

7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a

message for England's

upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes.

F**k off,

Norway." Then ran off laughing.

 

8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby

Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out

of

his sock.

 

9) When asked for a footballing comment while at

Lazio, burped

enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined

£39,000.

 

10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive

hair extensions.

Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.

 

11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts

implants, sent flowers

to the hospital after the operation addressed to

'Dolly Parton.'

 

12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a

double-decker in

London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have

a drive. The

bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly

enjoyed Gazza's

impromptu performance.

 

13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for

Vinnie Jones after

the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet

brush in return.

 

14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with

a 'girl' he

knew to be a transvestite.

 

15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during

his career. On

one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while

he was holding

his hand high to signal a free kick.

 

16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again

tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the

referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs

game. He was booked for his troubles.

 

17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab

controversy' which spelled

the beginning of the end of his England career,

assured reporters that

his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's

promotion to the

Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before

France 98. One

reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came

the inevitable

response:"I feel like a kebab with onions."

 

18) As an apprentice desperate to impress

then-Newcastle boss Jack

Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and

begged the famous

angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the

riverbank, Charlton

promptly threw all but the rod out into the briny,

then poured a

bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in

the rod and within

seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over.

 

19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took

Kevin

Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle

Underground.

 

20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia

90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground

clutching his leg.

Gazza thought he was play-acting, so did a mime of his

own which

involved hopping on one leg with his tongue lolling

out.

 

21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough

for a

post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left

his passport at

home. An emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk

until a minion was

despatched to bring it to the airport.

 

22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying

home from Italia

90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and

stomach bearing

the legend 'Gazza.'

 

23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA,

pretended he could speak

Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The

Muppet Show's

Swedish Chef.

 

24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after

he'd scraped out

the filling and replaced it with cat excrement.

 

25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing

nothing but his

training socks and ordered lunch.

 

26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his

home town of

Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change

on sweets for

local kids.

 

27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms

Hotel in Woburn with

a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect

member on the

shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking

someone had tapped him

on the shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to

have Gazza's

helmet prod him in the cheek.

 

28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish

cottage which he

informed them was his new place, pretended he'd

forgotten his key and

knocked instead. When the door opened, told the

befuddled housewife

inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to

know if she

preferred Daz or Omo.

 

29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's

training ground and

caused £310,000 worth of damage.

 

30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate

Richard Gough.

 

31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after

betting that the

burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's

heat on the

bridge of his nose for five seconds........Jimmy

could. Twice.

 

32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to

find a new

interest. Picked bingo.

 

33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel

into Jimmy Five

Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a

cup of tea, fat

man."

 

34) Was banned from Liverpool's Cream nightclub in

advance within days

of joining Everton last summer, because the

Evertonians who run the

place wanted him to avoid temptation and stay fit.

 

35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely

important

tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the

scorching midday

sun.

 

36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue

fright wig before

the 1991 FA Cup Final.

 

37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman

centurion, a clown,

Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for photo opportunities.

 

38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of

Hillsborough,

marched into a Sheffield barber shop and demanded "a

Waddle cut."

 

39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down

to finalise the

deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over

the posh hotel

in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and

wreaked havoc.

Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks

by saying,

"We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our

lives"

 

40) Was asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London

after guests

were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies

swimming across the

duck pond.

 

41) On his first night in Rome after signing for

Lazio, gave his

minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and

hid in a

cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide.

 

42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and

signed off with

a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers."

 

43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking

for silence, then

farting at ear-splitting volume.

 

44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious

about the number

13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and

9 together.

oddly,the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.

 

45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani

suit "for a

laugh."

 

46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across

its golf course in

his four-wheel drive Jeep.

 

47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the

English language did

not. Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner

which read:

'Gazza's Boys,We Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink

Your Beer.'

 

48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed

him with a banner

which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat

Poofta.'

 

49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio,

shook hands with

virtually every member of the Genoa side.

 

50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told

there was no bacon

for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this

country and there's no blo0dy bacon!"

[colsoop]

That was great.

 

They dont make them like that anymore

[RobAndrews]

ha ha, top man. for the memories Gazza

[Kopite]

class still can't believe that the ref booked him when he dropped his yellow card!!

[J4CK50N]

pmsl at 27!!!

 

Top stuff!!!

[MaveriK]

Sky are doing the 50 greatest English goals of all time monday/tuesday night. His goal against Scotland had better be in there, the one where he lobbed/cipped Hendry on his way through.

 

Lets hope Rooney can be as good!!

[MaveriK]

DAMN TYPOS!!!!

[Kopite]

Lets hope Rooney can be as good!!

 

for england only though

[Gaz Walker]

Ah the memories. You can't beat a funny geordie

 

Gaz.

[Jspec Germany]

What's a Geordie and does anybody have any clips of this guy doing this stuff? Sorry, just a Yank who doesn't keep up with European football (rugby player at heart), but I'd like to meet this Gazza. He sounds like a fun guy to be around.

[GeordieSteve]

Geordie is someone from Newcastle/Gateshead.

 

Don't have any videos but there'll be some on the net no doubt. We get him out on the drink in Gateshead now and again coz he's a friend of a friend (come to think of it he might be out Sunday)

[Jspec Germany]

I'll have to take a look on Imesh for some. I met some folks from England last night here in Germany. They have a pizzeria and asked if we'd been there yet. Looked of persian/indian decent I think but caught our American accents straight away. Not the greatest pizza I'll admit, especially after returning from Sardenia. That's a hard act to follow, but still not as good as the stuff I grew up with in Chicago.

[MaveriK]

Kopite, u know u would luv 2 c him complete his hatrick against your rabble!!

 

Or should that be i would love it

[Kopite]

he's gotta get past carragher first

[MaveriK]

If Haman goes and the east block terrorist Biscan leaves there will be very little to protect your back four.

 

Still cant make my mind up if Gerrard is going to stay or go yet.

 

Maybe we can take him off your hands for a couple of mill??

[Ian R]

Gazza was a right nutter why do none of these surprise me