Jellybean Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 TOP TIP: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the > > next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her > > flaps open, ----- it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. > > > > Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday. > > > > > > ******************** > > > > > > I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today... > > > > Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I > > thought it did. > > > > > > ******************** > > > > > > A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, "sorry > > about the wait". > > > > I said, "don't worry fatty, you are bound to lose it eventually." > > > > > > ******************** > > Snow in the forcast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches > > tonight, I thought to myself 'fat chance with a face like that!' > > ******************** > > I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how > > gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I > > always end up in bed with them. > > > > Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this > > damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?" > > ******************** > > Years ago it was suggested that 'an apple a day kept the doctor away'. > > But > > since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich > > works best! > > > > > > ******************** > > > > > > I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things > > commonly > > found in cells. > > > > Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers. > > ******************** > > > > > > I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, > > mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, > > "I've not eaten for two days". > > > > I told him, "I wish I had your f**king will power"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt H Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 > > I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, > > mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, > > "I've not eaten for two days". > > > > I told him, "I wish I had your f**king will power"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supralad Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Josh Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Hopefully this doesn't push it to nws but... WALLET SCAM WARNING! In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment on the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet!I had mine stolen last Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Boy: "Do you want to play the fire engine game?" Girl: "How do you play that?" Boy: "My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say 'red light!' when you want me to stop." Girl: "Okay, lets play." After a few seconds... Girl: "Red Light!" Boy: "Fire engines don't stop for red lights." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 .: ::. .. :.: :.. .:.. :..::. :.:. ..:: :..: ::: ..:. . .: ::. .. :.: :.. .:.. :..::. :.:. ..:: :..: ::: ..:. . ..:.:. .:. ...:.:. :.:.: ..:.. :.::. ::..:. .:. :...: ..:.. :....::. :..: :... :. ..:: .::. ::::.. ....:: .: :. ..::.. .:.:.:. ...::. ::.....: Merry Christmas, from Stevie Wonder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Just got a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every door I open, someone tells me to fuck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 When travelling in extreme weather conditions the government's advised everyone to take with them, a bottle of water, some energy bars, a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket.! I looked a right twat on the bus this morning.!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Women are like parking spaces..... Normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no ones looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Josh Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Good ones Mr Leet45single Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Good ones Mr Leet45single cheers got loads sent to me but i think afew will get me banned lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Josh Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 cheers got loads sent to me but i think afew will get me banned lol I'm surprised it's not in NWS as it is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leet45single Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 I'm surprised it's not in NWS as it is Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kilps Posted December 19, 2010 Share Posted December 19, 2010 BBC News: Heavy snow across the UK. I've just picked some up, it wasn't that heavy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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