Current Best & Worst Jokes

[RiceRocket]

Comedian Tim Vine's holiday one-liner has been named the funniest joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

 

He won the number one spot with the gag, "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

 

The quick-firing Londoner was awarded with a prize created by digital TV channel Dave, whose panel of comedy critics heard 7,200 jokes before selecting a shortlist of the best and worst - which they then put to a public vote.

 

After winning the title, Vine said: "I'm going to celebrate by going to Sooty's barbecue and having a 'sweepsteak'."

 

In October 2004 Vine broke the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour with 499, beating the previous record of 362.

 

Last year's winner, Dan Antopolski, was nominated for worst joke of the 2010 festival.

 

Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

 

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

 

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

 

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

 

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

 

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

 

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

 

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

 

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

 

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

 

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

 

And the worst…

 

Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

 

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

 

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

 

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

 

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

 

Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

 

Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."

 

or ?

[AndrewOW]

I liked the top 9 of the best, and I also liked the Spanish electrician from the worst.

 

The one about the wreath I did have to laugh most at though.

[marcAB10]

i thought the number 1 best joke was pretty crap, the number 2 best is a lot funnier.

[monsween]

i like number 6, but its more appropriate saying scottish.

[RedM]

I didn't like

 

"Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."

 

I ran 10 miles yesterday. That's why I can't get up the stairs.

[MaveriK]

I ran 10 miles yesterday. That's why I can't get up the stairs.

 

Police just give up too easy these days!