1 liners to make you smile

[far]

Number 12's my fave

 

 

1) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour

 

said ’Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, Six should be enough.”

 

 

 

2) You know that look women get when they want sex?

 

No? Me neither.

 

 

 

3) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said,’

 

Thyroid problem?’

 

 

 

4) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

 

Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one

 

and asked him to forgive me.

 

 

 

5) Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale

 

and sold the engine?

 

 

 

6) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to

 

go swimming.

 

 

 

7) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don’t

 

get on with my real ladder.

 

 

 

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I

 

ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

 

 

 

9) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.

 

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

 

 

 

10) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.

 

But one day I turned to my bullies and said - ‘Sticks and stones

 

may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked!

 

From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

 

 

 

11) My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably

 

why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

 

 

 

12) If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of

 

meat?

 

 

 

13) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and

 

give the wrong answers.

 

 

 

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from

 

things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.

 

 

 

15) I was the kid next-door’s imaginary friend.

 

 

 

16) Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think

 

I’ve forgotten this before.

 

 

 

17) I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

 

 

Life is a game of Pitch & Toss. Some people are pitchers. You,

 

unfortunately, are not.

[Getrag]

Lol, good ones.

 

I remember one about a lady talking to Winston Churchill,

 

Lady: "If i were you I would put poison in your drink"

Churchill: "If I were married to you I would drink it"

[JohnA]

 

15) I was the kid next-door’s imaginary friend.

 

 

here's another variation on that theme

 

 

 

http://www.max-boost.co.uk/stuff/Im_the_teenage_girl_inthechatroom.jpg

[sideshowbob]

7) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don’t

 

get on with my real ladder.

LOL!..

[adi2009]

 

4) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

 

Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one

 

and asked him to forgive me.

 

 

 

Thats a good one