joke A couple of jokes I was sent today.

[Frank Bullitt]

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money . Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,

 

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man,

 

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't see nothing, but my wife did."

 

 

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

 

 

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arsehole asks chemist "Nah then lad, does

tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

 

 

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

 

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

 

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

 

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

 

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

 

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

 

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

 

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

 

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

 

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

 

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

 

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

 

 

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice the Lord said,

 

'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

 

The biker pulled over and said,

 

'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’

 

The Lord said,

 

'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

 

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

 

'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

 

There was a pause then the Lord replied,

 

'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[Septic]

Haha all brilliant

[AndrewOW]

Some of those were really good