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Industrial Dispute

CJ

By CJ
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CJ

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

 

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

 

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

 

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too.

 

How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

 

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

 

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

 

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

 

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, Essex, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

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CJ Newbie

CJ

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:yawn:

 

You think that is boring? You should look here. There is an idiot who seems to think that posting happy birthday threads to all and sundry (regardless of whether they have ever posted before or not) is clever.

 

Now how boring is that eh? :rlol:

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AndrewOW Newbie

AndrewOW

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You think that is boring? You should look here. There is an idiot who seems to think that posting happy birthday threads to all and sundry (regardless of whether they have ever posted before or not) is clever.

 

Now how boring is that eh? :rlol:

 

 

There's nothing there old bean. :search:

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TopgunTT Newbie

TopgunTT

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You think that is boring? You should look here. There is an idiot who seems to think that posting happy birthday threads to all and sundry (regardless of whether they have ever posted before or not) is clever.

 

Now how boring is that eh? :rlol:

 

Ha ha, i knew you would bite :D

 

Who looks like an idiot now :p

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CJ Newbie

CJ

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There's nothing there old bean. :search:

 

I think one of two things must have happened. Either the link to a search doesn't copy across or the mods were embarrassed by the ridiculous amount of happy birthday threads started and decided to delete them. :D

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CJ Newbie

CJ

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There you go again. I must really get to you if you have to start calling names. I thought you left school a long long long time ago :D

 

Oh dear Lord! Do you actually read things before quoting and replying? Can you point out to me (and to anybody else who cares) which part of:

 

No, I mean that one cannot result to insults. Resort maybe but result never. :rolleyes:

is calling you names?

 

You see, I don't really need to "call you names" or suggest that you are somewhat dim - you manage to post the evidence all on your own.

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CJ Newbie

CJ

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Oh, not ice from the freezer section? Was the incident in Iceland, per chance? Maybe it was volcanic ash! :)

 

...or possibly the auto box kicked down even though there was hardly any pressure on the throttle? :D

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