MaveriK Posted May 26, 2005 Share Posted May 26, 2005 Thank crunchie tomorrow is POETS day and a long weekend is on the cards Hope these get you all thru..... Subject: FW: Council howlers > > > >These are genuine clips from council complaint letters: > > > > > >*My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage > > >has fungus growing in it. > > >*He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just > > >can't take it anymore. > > >*It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow > > >*I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and > > >burnt my knob off > > >*I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when > > >he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. > > >*And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls > > >against my fence. > > >*I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet > > >roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. > > > > > >*My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? > > >*I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the > > >wall. > > >*Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife > > >tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. > > >*I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen > > >*50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% > > >are plain filthy. > > >*I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. > > >*The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it > > >is sorted > > >*Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny > > >colour and not fit to drink. > > >*Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. > > >*I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every > > >morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much > > >for me. > > >*The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which > > >is unsightly and dangerous. > > >*Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a > > >third so please send someone round to do something about it. > > >*I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you > > >please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me > > >every night. > > >*Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and > > >satisfy my wife. > > >*I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I > > >still have no satisfaction > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieSteve Posted May 26, 2005 Share Posted May 26, 2005 pmsl laughing. I love these. Have some Tommy Cooperisms Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom! What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burna Posted May 26, 2005 Share Posted May 26, 2005 Very funny, made my afternoon go a little quicker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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