they may be old but I've not heard them Jokes

[Max Headroom]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

 

Paddy ordered a whisky.

 

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than

 

let liquor touch my lips!"

 

Paddy handed his drink back and said

 

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

 

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

 

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

 

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

 

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,

I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

 

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

 

Murphy watches in amazement!

 

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

 

So he leaves the site.

 

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

 

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

 

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

 

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

 

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -

 

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says

"You know what I want, don't you?"

 

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------

 

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

 

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse

if you get a dodgy one!

 

-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

 

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

 

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

 

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found

on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

 

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't

think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

 

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------

 

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is

barking like mad in the garden.

 

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

 

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks

"What did you do?"

 

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

 

------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

 

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

 

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

 

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

 

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

 

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

 

Paddy says "What's his name?"

 

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

 

It was a disaster!

 

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

[Spike3.0]

Racist!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quality, hadn't heard some of those : )

[Suprab1]

Some good jokes there

[AndrewOW]

I hate to say it, but they are hilarious!

[CJ]

I can see me using a few of them this coming season