plus1 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Just found this on another forum and thought I'd share, long but stick with it, quite amusing... Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst From such a tiny li’l ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and.... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE......!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!! ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest samurai infidel Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 lol..awsome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jon5698 Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Lol i bought a stun gun in Bulgaria, and one of my mates was going to let me stun him, until he heard the sound it made. It says on the box it is 250 kv! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupraHuman Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Absolute classic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 omg thats funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supraturbochris Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 thats quality Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pixelfill Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 ROFLMAO - and so is Steph !! Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nevins Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 that made me laugh out loud Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattP Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 haha get a video next time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deathmonkey Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CJ Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 That made me chuckle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erol_h Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 I once got a tennis racket that was a bug zapper you put two aa batteries in them and as you swat the fly with the racket the strings where metal and it would zap it. Me thinking wtf is this kids toy i decided to push my finger into the metal wire and the shock was soo painful it shot through my arm into my chest. It felt like i had been hit in the chest by a train and the pain continued for a few hours around my ribcage not soo clever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sted Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Thats really funny !!! lmao:d Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteamAhead Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 I'm so glad I spent the time reading that now, bloody funny:rlol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Raven Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Dont taze me bro! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomgeer Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Good find, very funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wez Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 R E P Been doing the rounds for a while this one, very funny though http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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