garethr Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I feel that those of us who have had cause to wince at the standard of forum English, or, indeed, to attempt to educate our fellow member's (), otherwise known as the Spelling Nazis, should mark the passing of the founder of The Association for the Abolition of the Aberrant Apostrophe. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first working breakfast of the Association for the Abolition of the Aberrant Apostrophe - the AAAA as it is known to our myriad town and country members. The AAAA has two simple goals. Its first is to round up and confiscate superfluous apostrophes from, for example, fruit and vegetable stalls where potato's, tomatoe's and apple's are openly on sale. Its second is to redistribute as many as possible of these impounded apostrophes, restoring missing apostrophes where they have been lost, mislaid or deliberately hijacked - as for instance by British Rail, which as part of its refurbishment programme is dismantling the apostrophes from such stations as King's Cross and shunting them off at dead of night to a secret apostrophe siding at Crewe. Ladies and gentlemen, examples of the misuse of apostrophes abound. In the AAAA's Black Apostrophe Museum in the basement, which you are welcome to visit (no children or persons of nervous disposition please), you will find an advertisement from The Guardian for Technical Author's; a circular from the National Council for the Training of Journalists, if you please, containing the phrase 'as some editor's will know'; an announcement from Austin Rover about the new Maestro's; a leaflet from Hereford and Worcester County Council called 'How the Council Spends it's Money'; and many other apostrophic atrocities too gruesome to describe while you are eating your Danish pastries. How has this pestilence come about? The AAAA's laboratories have identified it as a virus, probably introduced into the country in a bunch of bananas and spread initially by greengrocers, or greengrocer's as they usually style themselves. Apostrophe Interpolation, Displacement and Suppression - AID'S, as the affliction is known - recognises no frontiers. It afflicts the highest and the lowest of the land alike, the educated along with the sub-literate. The Times (shortly to be renamed The Times's) as well as The Sun. Why, even the Daily M**l itself, it has to be confessed between these four walls, is not immune. I hold in my hand a misprinting of who's for whose which was detected in its pages only a short while ago. Ladies and gentlemen, when we find ourselves in a world where a newsagent's placard can read 'Gleny's Kinnock Lead's Teachers Strike', the Apocalypse is near and something must be done. Apostrophic anarchists, deliberately disrupting the apostrophe's function as part of their wider plan to destroy English grammar, must be weeded out root and branch. Innocent misusers of the apostrophe - for instance the Darlington bus company promising 'Shopping Trips to Leed's' - must be hustled off to night school in plain vans for a crash course in punctuation. If necessary, children must be stopped outside the classroom and frisked for aberrant apostrophes, and the pushers identified. But what can we, as individuals, do to stop the rot, bearing in mind that your Association will have no truck with the proscribed militant Apostrophe Abolition Army, whose declared aim is to stamp out the now universal use of 'it's' for the possessive 'its' by blowing up offending printing plants? What we can do, ladies and gentlemen, is to be vigilant and relentless in our pursuit of the aberrant apostrophe. We must write to each and every publication that trangresses in this respect. When they write back pleading that it was a regrettable printers error, we must reply by return of post that no it wasn't, it was a regrettable printer's error, or even more accurately, the error of a regrettable printer. We must boycott shops selling Co's lettuce, bean's and such like contaminated products. Members of the AAAA are invited to forward examples of misplaced apostrophes to the Association for possible use in our touring exhibitions, provided that these do not infringe the Post Office regulations on the sending of obnoxious matter through the mails. The AAAA regrets that its hardworking staff will be unable to acknowledge contributions individually but assures members that every apostrophe submitted will be scrutinised keenly and considered on its demerits. The AAAA has no membership cards and no subscription. Members are, however, asked to donate at least one aberrant apostrophe when attending our meetings, rallies and conferences. I have to point out that we are considerably overstocked on their's, it's and who's, and can consider no further examples until those we have accumulated have been ploughed into the Association's apostrophe dump at Devizes. You are now asked to place the aberrant apostrophes you have brought with you in the offertory bags being passed among you by the ushers. During the collection, we will all rise and sing the AAAA's battle anthem, 'Sister Susie's Sewing Shirts For Soldiers'. Anyone singing a misplaced apostrophe will be instantly ejected from the hall. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1211242/Keith-Waterhouse-dies-aged-80.html#ixzz0QLaVevTx (I would criticise his starting a sentence with "but", however.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Erm...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stratty Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Errr... okay.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adnanshah247 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 im so confused right now its unreal........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axle Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Worst thread ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wkdtime Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Spam? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I'd like to run with this a bit - I do not think it's spam at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axle Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I'd like to run with this a bit - I do not think it's spam at all. Yeah but what the hell do you know? You're just some bloke with Bananas on his head! Oh crap... Since when were you made a Mod? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I'd like to run with this a bit - I do not think it's spam at all. Good sport...Rob..!! Let's flame the OP.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexJames Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 read the first line..... end Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Wilson Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I too have a nasty habit of commencing a written sentence with "but", however, I forgive the author on the strength of him spelling tomatoes correctly I need to work on my apostrophe application, and his sad demise will hopefully concentrate my mind on trying harder in the near future Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Yeah but what the hell do you know? You're just some bloke with Bananas on his head! Oh crap... Since when were you made a Mod? Dunno. Just woke up one morning all orange Good sport...Rob..!! Let's flame the OP.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dukenukem Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I thought it was fascinating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tannhauser Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I could live without the article, but for me, he's one of the most underrated British authors of our time (even if he did write for The Mail). As a teenager, Billy Liar, Jubb and Thinks were amongst my favourites. I still find myself pinching his phrases. There's nothing incorrect about starting a sentence with 'but'; it's just a stylistic preference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dani_r Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I'm glad you put this article up actually, as I was debating doing the same thing! I read that very article that was reprinted in The Times this week and my immediate thought was to put it up on here, as I know many of us are so obsessed with correct grammar! But you beat me to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aweegin Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 One of my favourite examples, local to me, is a pub sign (not a chalkboard but a professionally produced sign) ..which includes the line.. Family's Welcome EDIT: Though not strictly in keeping with the thread..but you get the gist.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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