A long one but quite amusing

[michael]

I can't take the credit for any of this but am unable to quote the original source as it was been passed on a few times before it reached me...

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

I have often considered investing in one of those signs for the gates of

Beelzebub Mansions.

 

You know the kind: No Hawkers, No Salesmen, No Gipsies, No Welsh - that

sort of thing. Unfortunately the gatepost wouldn't be big enough to

carry the names of all the assorted riff-raff I would seek to exclude

from my doorstep.

 

(There would also be exemptions. I do enjoy the occasional visits from

those allegedly deaf and dumb tea towel-sellers. It makes me feel like a

miracle worker when their powers of speech and hearing are restored by

my simple refusal to fund their next bottle of Buckfast. The stream of

vile invective some of them can emit is truly impressive.) But there

would always, always, be room for the sign that said No Political

Canvassers. What planet are these people from? Do they really think that

they can turn up, shiny-faced and expectant, after a gap of four or five

years, just to have me pat them on the back and promise them my vote? No

chance. They get roundly abused, whichever bunch of shysters they're

representing.

 

And that's the problem. We're only six days into this election campaign

and I'm already heartily sick of the whole shebang. It's not as if we're

getting honest debate about important issues. All we get is spin, hype

and lies - lots and lots of lies.

 

(Did you see the Tony Brown and Gordon Blah show the other night? That

forced, scripted, chit chat over the breakfast table? How embarrassing

was that?)

 

Every time a NuLabour politician is forced into answering a question

(and boy, do they hate it) you just know that 20 words in will be the

phrase "But it's not as bad as it was under the Tories". Every time a

Conservative pops his head above the parapet, it's to pretend that the

world ended in 1997 and only Michael Howard can save the "pipple" of

Britain from the jackboot of pan-European socialism. I've no idea what

the Lib Dems think because I've usually smashed the radio before they

get to their first verb - if, indeed, they ever use one.

 

So it was with some relief that I finally came across a party manifesto

with sound, sensible policies that would make a real difference to our

over-burdened lives. Try these for size:

 

"We will issue a 99p coin to save on change."

 

"We pledge to reduce class sizes by making pupils sit closer to one

another.

 

Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches to prevent them

distracting the others."

 

"Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centers. All cars will be

converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion."

 

"Any teenager caught breaking an Auntie Social Order will be sent to

their Uncle's for a clip around the ear."

 

"Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to

increase the red squirrel population. Fox hunting will be re-introduced

under the 'one hound, one fox' policy to make it a bit fairer."

 

"All weapons of mass destruction will be made highly visible so we can

find them."

 

"The National Anthem will be replaced with Bring Me Sunshine as sung by

Morecambe and Wise. On State occasions, Prince Philip will juggle his

spectacles up and down."

 

Now I ask you, who can disagree with any of that? So my mind is already

made up. On May 5, I'm voting Monster Raving Loony Party.

 

 

But it's not all bad news on the political front. In a case of sheer

serendipity, two news stories collided this week resulting in a quite

splendid outcome.

 

First we had the Commons Select Committee reporting the shameful fact

that one in five 11-year-olds cannot read properly (and as any employer

knows to his regret, most of them still can't ten years later).

 

Then we had the announcement that Heinz were going to bring back those

classic cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti, albeit made out of Sir Jamie

Oliver-approved low-fat pasta.

 

So there we have it: not only can your children eat healthy food in

future, but they can learn to spell at the same time. Result!

 

By the way, up in Jockland the Porridge Wogs are taking a slightly

different approach to their child literacy problems. They're encouraging

youngsters to read comics like the Beano and the Dandy in a bid to help

them read and write.

 

If only our schools used the Victor comic to teach history, we'd hear no

more about that European Union nonsense. And the sales of Japanese cars

might take a bit of a dive.

 

There's more...

 

Which brings us to the whining workforce at MG Rover's Longbridge

factory.

 

All week long we've had to put up with that appalling Birmingham accent

polluting our television news bulletins as worker after worker drones on

and on about how the British public has let them down by buying

Volkswagens and Audis.

 

Listen, chaps, you made crap cars that very few people wanted to buy.

They were expensive, unreliable and years out of date. The only pipple

to been seen dead driving a Rover were scout masters doing 65mph in the

outside lane en route to the sex offenders' register and BNP election

candidates with Brylcreemed comb-overs and impotence issues.

 

My Dad once did his bit by buying British and you sent him a car WITH A

SQUARE STEERING WHEEL. Where's the sense in that, you workshy,

potato-faced deadbeats? Get real. And get round to the nearest call

centre, sharpish.

 

 

SCROTE OF THE YEAR: This week's contestants are the Martin family of

Hemel Hempstead. Round of applause please, folks.

 

Mrs and Mrs Martin, who "met" in an internet chat room, have eight

children between them. Six of the children belong to Mrs Martin from

"previous relationships". I am unsure of the provenance of the other

two.

 

They all live in a three-bedroomed council house and pull in a

relatively modest £23,000 a year in benefits. It will come as no

surprise to you to learn that Mrs Martin, a heavy smoker, claims that

something called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome stops her from getting a job.

Mr Martin, formerly a postman, has not worked for two years so he can

"help with the kids".

 

What elevates the Martins into our Top Ten Scrotes of 2005 is their

ambitions for the house next door. They want it, free of charge, to

knock through to create a seven-bedroomed superhouse to accommodate the

ten of them. At our expense, of course. Predictably, they are supported

in this cause by their local councillor, a NuLabour apparatchik called

Elio Gomez.

 

"It's not as if we're living the high life," says Mr Martin. "We just

want what we feel is right for our family."

 

Well, yes. But most of us only produce as many offspring as we think we

can afford. We don't necessarily turn ourselves into a state-funded baby

factory.

 

As is customary in these stories, I should now point out that the

Martins possess a dishwasher, a DVD player, three computers and the

ever-present widescreen TV. How many of their kids are "special" is

unknown.

 

Now every time I write about families like the Martins, I get outraged

letters from assorted do-gooders, bunny-huggers and paid-up members of

Princess Toni's Turkey Army, the very people whose existence depends

upon the presence of wasters and shysters like the Martins. They,

understandably, are keen for such welfare abuse to continue, as it keeps

them in the non-job that was created for them on the understanding that

they'll do the decent thing on May 5.

 

Well I tell you what, here's a deal. A swift back-of-the-fag-packet

calculation shows that I paid enough income tax last year to keep two

families like the Martins in Lambert and Butlers, oven chips and

microwave pizzas. So the least they could do is come round and do the

garden once a week. And a bit of ironing.

 

Is that fair? Most pipple would think so.

 

 

I take my leave by pointing out the fact that Prince Charles most

certainly isn't the only bridegroom to be surrounded by women dressed as

nuns on the day before his wedding.

[tbourner]

cool.

[SupraStar 3000]

cool and depressingly true

[Soonto_HAS_soop]

Very good, especially "The Martins"

[VELOCITY]

Damn True

[Supragal]

haha "The Martin" couldn't have put it better!

[dangerous brain]

Cool Almost wet meself laffin then. The sad thing is they will get elected again by a huge majority. How in Gods name is that happening?