Taxman's splendid reply

[Lbm]

So the Tax Man is vaguely human after all!!

HMRC with a sense of humour.

 

This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.

 

 

 

 

Dear Mr Addison,

 

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

 

I will address them, as ever, in order.

 

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

 

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the cancer-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

 

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

 

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

 

Please send it to us by Friday.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

H J Lee

 

Customer Relations

 

 

 

David Criddle

 

M:+44(0)7775 731 654

 

Office:

T: +44(0)113 245 5467 (PA: Erica Baldwin)

Eudaimon Suite

3 Albion Place

LEEDS

LS1 6JL

[dannysupratt]

haha love the last bit.

[chris2o2]

[ellis]

Class!!

[Kranz]

I'm going to forward this to my tax office to ask them to be equally humorous in their next tax demand

[Matt H]

It was o.k,

 

Do you think this is where RedM has gone; to work for HMRC? Could explain his abscence. Caught up in plenty of work, writing letters such as this. Would be a dream job for him!

[Lbm]

It was o.k,

 

Do you think this is where RedM has gone; to work for HMRC? Could explain his abscence. Caught up in plenty of work, writing letters such as this. Would be a dream job for him!

 

I rather fancy seeing one of your considered and understated replies Matt

[Matt H]

I rather fancy seeing one of your considered and understated replies Matt

 

You write me a letter, and i'll file it next to my toilet in-case of emergency's!!

[AlexJames]

Haha, like that alot

[RiceRocket]

Do you think this is where RedM has gone; to work for HMRC? Could explain his abscence.

 

Do you really think he is "away"?

[SilverMachine]

Very good.

It put a smile on my face.

 

Thanks,

Gaz

[Lbm]

Do you really think he is "away"?

 

[Carl_S]

A war of wit, I wonder if HJ lee composed it on his or her lunch break, or was it at our expense? Us taxpayers? Grrr, I could almost get worked up about it.

[Guest suprabass]

lol reading that was a good start to the morning, lol

[ozz]

A war of wit, I wonder if HJ lee composed it on his or her lunch break, or was it at our expense? Us taxpayers? Grrr, I could almost get worked up about it.

 

 

Its been about for years so I doubt its real, would be funny if it was though.