AndyT Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. ................................................................................. Doc I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home" That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual. .................................................................................. Man goes to the docs with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, " I'll give you some cream to put on it." ................................................................................... A man takes a Rottweiler to the vet. " My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well" says the vet. "Lets have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross eyed?" "No, becvause he's really heavy." ................................................................................... "Doctor, I Can't pronounce my F's, T's and H''s." "Well you can't say fairer than that." .................................................................................... Two elephants walk off a cliff.........Boom boom. ..................................................................................... So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why" He said "My dog's died." .................................................................................. So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are." .................................................................................. So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from." .................................................................................... So I rang up a local builder. I said " I want a skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you." ................................................................................. Apparently, 1 in 5 people are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family. It's either my mum or dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. .................................................................................. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said. "You've been promoted." And I swerved. He rang a second time and said. "You've been promoted." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said. "You've been promoted to Managing Director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said. "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road." ................................................................................. Now most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual." And the dentist said to me. "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet." ................................................................................... So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." .................................................................................... Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other. "Does this taste funny to you?" .................................................................................... Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. ..................................................................................... You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine' So that was nice. ....................................................................................... A man walked into the doctors, the doctor said, "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man said "I know, I've been ill." ..................................................................................... A man walked into the doctors. He said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go to those places." .................................................................................... I had a ploughmans lunch today. He wasn't very happy. .................................................................................. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ..................................................................................... I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. .................................................................................... Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would've seen it. .................................................................................... Phone answering message - ...'If you want to buy Marijuana........press the hash key. ................................................................................... I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high." ..................................................................................... My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. .................................................................................... A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.' ................................................................................... I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. ................................................................................... Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. ..................................................................................... Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRACIE_LOU Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Wetting myself here!!!:d:d Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 ha! can we keep all the Tommy Cooper stuff in the Tommy Cooper thread please sir So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." This one is the best... we were cracking up in the pub telling this one only last week Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 ha! can we keep all the Tommy Cooper stuff in the Tommy Cooper thread please sir This one is the best... we were cracking up in the pub telling this one only last week B*gger. Note to self. "Must use search." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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