joke God I'm bored

[SUPRALOOPY]

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

 

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

 

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

 

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

 

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

 

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

 

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

 

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

 

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.

 

When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

 

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"

[Gaz6002]

.... right, time to hit the wine.

[SUPRALOOPY]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

 

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see"

 

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"

 

"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.

 

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

 

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

 

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

 

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"

 

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"

 

 

Sorry I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooo bored!! and not drunk!!

[Gaz6002]

LOL! The second one is in the lead

[Frank Bullitt]

Fantastic keep them coming!!

[SUPRALOOPY]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of £10,000 for the duck and the pot.

 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

 

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[SUPRALOOPY]

Try the viel !!

[SUPRALOOPY]

British Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

 

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

 

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

 

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

 

The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

[SUPRALOOPY]

Thats it I'm off to bed. (best thing I think)

[adnanshah247]

Thats it I'm off to bed. (best thing I think)

 

noooo stay awake! keep the jokes coming

[SUPRALOOPY]

Nope. I can't be banned I need the work LOL

[adnanshah247]

Nope. I can't be banned I need the work LOL

 

sisssy gurl!

[JustGav]

Johnathan Ross is in trouble again.

 

He has appeared in court today charged with stealing kitchen utensils.

 

When asked by the judge if he had thought of the consequences and ramifications of his actions he replied :

 

"I did your honour but thought it was worth the whisk."

[JustGav]

Probably shouldn't.... but never mind

[RedM]

I really enjoyed some of those jokes.

 

Again.

[RED_ROCKET]

More jokes please

[Tom S]

Never Argue with a Woman

 

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside

cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,

And begins to read her book.

 

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

 

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

 

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

 

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment.

I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads, she might be brighter than you.

[Tom S]

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE U.S.A :

 

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a

hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her

armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control

was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

eeewwwww.....

 

 

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with

lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in

her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I

would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it

was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a

recent hysterectomy.

 

 

PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a

stonymass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling

around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the

mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The

concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock)! causing constipation and

pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's

rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.

(Boy - we live sheltered lives!)

 

 

BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER

complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses.

He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back

in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.

Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his

contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of

his cornea. (Oh my gosh!)

 

 

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State

emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his

hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.

They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening

for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the

table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??).

While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp

down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and

desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until

she let go. Error! Filename not specified.

 

And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!

I'm still laughing!!

[Tom S]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

 

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

 

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered wi th a brick or piece of wood at all times.

 

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

 

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

 

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

 

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

 

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

 

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

 

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

 

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

 

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

 

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

 

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Starfish don't have brains.

 

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

And, the best for last?

 

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

[tepster]

worth the whisk.. lmao!!!

[Tom S]

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually

appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

 

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:

"Searching for Jesus."

 

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those

things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a

conflict.

 

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at

someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much

about you.

 

6. Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

 

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious

pleasure to the congregation.

 

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery

downstairs.

 

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help

they can get.

 

10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will

sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

 

11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music

will follow.

 

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of

several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be

recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

person you want remembered.

 

17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and

gracious hostility.

 

18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

 

19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may

be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from

the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are

invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

 

22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would

lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the

back door.

 

24. The primary 7's will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church

basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance

[Tom S]

There you go Dave !! A few recent emails

[SUPRALOOPY]

I don't ever check my email.lol

[SUPRALOOPY]

(_!_) a regular arse

 

(__!__) a fat arse

 

(!) a tight arse

 

(_*_) a sore arse

 

{_!_} a swishy arse

 

(_o_) an arse that's been around

 

(_x_) kiss my arse

 

(_X_) leave my arse alone

 

(_zzz_) a tired arse

 

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

 

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

 

(_?_) Dumb Arse

[RedM]

OH god! This thread reminds me of when my Dad first started getting emails.