Tommy Cooper Jokes

[Dale B]

The old ones are the best... (hmmm Im getting old )

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of

them would have seen it.

 

2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key..."

 

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

find any.

 

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too

 

high."

 

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

 

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you

can't, I've cut your arms off".

 

8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

 

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and

 

heat it.

 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

 

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds

like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

 

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is

there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a

look

at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his

teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

 

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"

 

 

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my

backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

 

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

 

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for

it.'

 

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people

in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or

my

older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its

Colin.

 

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other

one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

 

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

 

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They

left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was

nice."

 

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several

places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

 

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small

two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue

workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb

as

digging continues into the night

[JamesC]

HA HA, some of them are great. Always the simple ones

[CJ]

I thought he was the funniest guy on TV - great stuff!

[SupraStar 3000]

ROFLMAO - loved the two jokes below:

 

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is

there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a

look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his

teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

 

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"

 

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people

in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or

my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its

Colin.

[bens747]

Short and simple is always the best ........

[CJ]

Short and simple is always the best ........

You could well be describing me there