ellis Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/4259/matrixarchitect.jpg The Architect (Michael): Hello New Member. New Member: Who the chuff are you innit? The Architect (Michael): I am Michael. I created The Forum. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process of not using the search function has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably dense and annoying. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, however unlikely that may be, you may or may not realize it is also irrelevant. New Member: Should I stick with me NA from eBay or buy da TT? The Architect (Michael): Your purchase of the NA is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of The Forum. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden to sedulously avoid it, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here. New Member: You ain't answered me question fella. The Architect (Michael): Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others. New Member: Others? What others? How many? Answer me eyeball! The Architect (Michael): The Forum is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the sixth version. New Member: Do what? Dares are only two possible explanations innit: ivor no one told me, or no one knows. The Architect (Michael): Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly's systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations. New Member: Choice. Da problem's choice innit. NA or TT? TT or single. Stock or hybrids? Neons or graphix? 17s or 22s? The Architect (Michael): The first Forum I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art, flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is as apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every new member, thus I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your questions about increasing the power of an NA and 20" alloys. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive older member, initially created to investigate certain aspects of hard drinking and internet pornography. If I am the father of the forum, he would undoubtedly be its mutha. New Member: Niz? Not Burna! The Architect (Michael): Please. As I was saying, he stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99.9% of all members accepted the answers in the Technical Section, as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this method functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the Forum itself. Ergo, those that refused the answers, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster. New Member: This is about Lemsip innit?. Hovis? The Architect (Michael): You are here because The FAQ Section is about to be destroyed. Its every answer and tip deleted, its entire existence eradicated. New Member: Wots da FAQ Section? The Architect (Michael): Denial is the most predictable of all new member's responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have deleted it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it. The function of the One True Member is now to return to the Forum, allowing a temporary dissemination of the denseness and stupidity you carry, reinserting your prime dumbass question. After which you will be required to select from the Member List 23 individuals: 16 female, 6 male, 1 of unknown persuasion, to rebuild the FAQ Section. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the Forum, which coupled with the extermination of the FAQ Section will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race. New Member: You won't let dat appen, you can't. You need our 10 quids fees to keep buying Burna beer! The Architect (Michael): There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the death of every member on the Forum. New Member looks blank. It is interesting reading your reactions. Your five predecessors were by design based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the function of the One True Member. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific. Vis-a-vis, blind stupidity and an unwise purchase. *Images of a Supra drifting appear on the monitors* New Member: Me motor!! The Architect (Michael): Apropos, she entered your life and will drain you of every penny you have. New Member: No!!!!! The Architect (Michael): Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end. There are two options. Choice 1 leads to the FAQ Section, and the salvation of The Forum. Choice 2 leads back to the real world, your 'motor' as you so eloquently put it, and to the end of your species. As you adequately put it, the problem is choice. But we already know what you're going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth: she will handle like a pig on roller skates on 20" wheels, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it. New Member: It'll look da dogs though and me Veilside kit looks da best in blingy purple! The Architect (Michael): Humph. Hope, it is the quintessential Supra owner's delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness. New Member: If I were you, I would hope that we don't meet at Jap Fest. The Architect (Michael): We won't. 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tbourner Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Are you suggesting he spends lots of time on here, condescends people and doesn't show up to meets? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorin Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I like it, apart from the multiple misspellings of "Michael". That I don't like, I don't like it at all Ellis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendor Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I always think of him as Prison Director Poe (Kurtwood Smith, also of Robocop) in the film 'Fortress'. A sort of cybernetic progeny begot by the forum to be its all seeing eye and acerbic commentator. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellis Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I like it, apart from the multiple misspellings of "Michael". That I don't like, I don't like it at all Ellis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Excellent work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJI Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiceRocket Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caseys Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Uncanny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Life imitating art etc...or is it the other way round? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupraStar 3000 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustGav Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Uncanny. I see what you did there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobSheffield Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Uncanny. On the contrary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al Massey Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I like it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caseys Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I see what you did there I think only you and a few others tho I like my wit like I like my coffee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steady_dave Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Inspired! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Blyth Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Just for the record I am not dressing up like Trinity again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Poor Burna. You make him out to be a beer guzzling alcohol frenzied fiend. Fair enough really... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellis Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Poor Burna. You make him out to be a beer guzzling alcohol frenzied fiend. I...I don't know what to say.....I've slandered the man! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burna Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Just for the record I am not dressing up like Trinity again. Poor Burna. You make him out to be a beer guzzling alcohol frenzied fiend. Fair enough really... I...I don't know what to say.....I've slandered the man! I don't know what's worse, the picture you portray of me, or being mentioned in the same sentence as Niz! Very good though Ellis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Budz86 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Sh!t hot! That took me ages to read for laughing so much! Ellis, you have too much free time on your hands my friend! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexM Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Very good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ManwithSupra Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 As much as i was intrigued about the constant propinquity relations to the new member, the forum and the architect i found that inevitability the chemical precursors in my Cingulated Gyrus of limbic cortex were undoubtedly providing optichemical signals directly back to my neurons to determine state that reading all of that was somewhat a waste of my indispensible time Aside from that it was very good made me laugh lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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