The Best Complaint Letter Ever?

[Lbm]

Someone complaining to Richard Branson about their bad experience at the hands of Virgin airlines...

 

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

[steady_dave]

HAHA, yeah that food look interesting to say the least!

[Jezz]

I have NEVER laughed so much in my life. It hurts.

'Its Baaji custard Richard.'

 

[Guest blueangel]

nearly woke the wife laughing lol priceless

[Supra Size Me]

in a word, Brilliant

[Carl_S]

Good writing skills and style.

 

I know I would have loved that meal though, so what a waste.

 

In waterstones there is a book written by a guy that just writes to companies about random stuff. It's quite funny, not complaints just stuff. Quite funny.

[marc_p]

 

I haven't laughed that hard for a long time

 

It's mustard, Richard, MUSTARD

[Lbm]

Good writing skills and style.

 

I know I would have loved that meal though, so what a waste.

 

In waterstones there is a book written by a guy that just writes to companies about random stuff. It's quite funny, not complaints just stuff. Quite funny.

 

Are you thinking of Robin Cooper?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Return-Timewaster-Letters-Robin-Cooper/dp/0751539422/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233107937&sr=8-3

[Carl_S]

Yes I certainly am, LBM.

 

Some funny stuff there particularly as you see the replies from the companies too.

[colsoop]

That was brilliant my eyes were streaming.

 

Lesson there kids you don't need to add text and swear words to make your point

[The Raven]

LMAO classic

[TonyP]

:rlol: That's brilliant

[PJ]

Superb complaint letter, though the meal looked fine to me

[Animal]

Fantastic, best thing I've read in ages.

[Paul372]

i wonder what come back Richard as for that

[grahamc]

If that does not get a decent response, then my complaints will get no where

 

Very good

[Lbm]

i wonder what come back Richard as for that

 

Simple...he personally thanked his valued customer for his feedback, and acknowledged to the press that the complaint was true.

 

Everyone's a winner.

[Wez]

People in the office were looking at me, wondering what the hell was wrong with me, very funny

[Willson]

I like this one...

 

Dear Cretins,

 

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up

for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this

three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had

not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of

monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so

that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to

rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can

have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working

day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

 

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,

waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a

further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the

even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful

website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by

playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no

doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation

then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget

to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.

 

After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls

over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had

requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of

your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm

and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my

telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your

no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a

variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled

bollock-jugglers. I have been informed:

 

that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),

that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),

that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a

telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a

telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer

machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a

telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating

Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

 

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at

least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one

of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't

care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in

print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

 

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that

they had attained the holy piss-pot of God-awful customer relations,

that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or

more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose

NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised

I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and

disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are

sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest

order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant

beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly

limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my

futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest

that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort

payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and

catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with

hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by

derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

 

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my

cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both

you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not

become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of

posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not

experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them

the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless

employees.

 

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

 

Yours psychotically,

 

XXX

[Aero-M]

Both brilliant.

[jevansio]

"Crime-scene cookie" has a ring to it, someone should market them

[Holden1989]

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

 

this bit had me laughing the most

 

very funny!!!

[Tom]

"Crime-scene cookie" has a ring to it, someone should market them

 

That cookie part was my favourite from the complaint

[Guigsy]

Ive flown virgin twice to orlando last year and i loved the food. Infact it was the highlight of my journey

 

Apart from they put mayo or something else i dont like like pickle on all the sandwiches aswell as egg in all the breakfast rolls

[Carl_S]

Airline food is great. Haute Cuisine literally.