jaymdee Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Knowing so many of you out there are joke-masters, I am away with work and just been informed that I need a joke to tell after a military mess hall dinner tonight - please can people post their best joke, which is suitable for this sort of occasion, which I stand a chance of remembering cheers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I have a great joke but it's in use until 19:35. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michael Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 http://tinyurl.com/8fw2up and: http://tinyurl.com/748paq Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Why did the scientist fit a knocker on his front door?.... He wanted the Nobel Prize. HTH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axle Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I need a joke to tell after a military mess hall dinner tonight which is suitable for this sort of occasion:) cheers 'Ladies and Gentlemen, it was such an exciting honour to be invited tonight, that i have cum commando' Subtle, yet inviting... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 'Ladies and Gentlemen, it was such an exciting honour to be invited tonight, that i have cum commando' Subtle, yet inviting... And the even more subtle spelling of cum troubles me... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adnanshah247 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 crap jokes. lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Why did the scientist fit a knocker on his front door?.... He wanted the Nobel Prize. HTH. I like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 http://tinyurl.com/8fw2up and: http://tinyurl.com/748paq Harsh but fair Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kranz Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 [stands up] Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please. I'm here tonight to give you a talk about sex. It gives me great pleasure............... [sits down] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamc Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 the photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. 'it will be waiting for you at the airport!' he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, 'let's go! Let's go!' the pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 'fly over the north side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and make three or four low level passes.' 'why?' asked the pilot. 'because i'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!' said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, 'you mean you're not my flying instructor.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Beast Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Whats the regiment that your having a meal with? and you'll prob need more than one joke, you'll be expected to stand and entertain the mess for about 5-10mins, or as long as it takes for the RSM to leave the table and get a round of drinks in for the top table of guests. Joke wise:- go for anything controversial or close to the mark. Richie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendswraith Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hmm either being dined into the mess or Mr Vice? A Teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Beast Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hmm either being dined into the mess or Mr Vice? A Teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious." Thats what i was thinking:d dined in it will all go wrong, Mr vice = billy SNCO:d richie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaymdee Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 It's not a regiment thing. I'm doing an MSC with pepole from MOD and HM services and rather than having a mess speaker the guy arranging it has decided we should all tell a joke or 2 Thanks for the replies, especially Martin & Michael (have searched Google, but struggled with finding anything particularly funny) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaymdee Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hmm either being dined into the mess or Mr Vice? A Teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious." I like this one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamc Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 http://www.dailymash.co.uk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Feakins Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Feakins Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Dr. Dre Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jevansio Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 By, it's a like the Travolta Family out there...... Minus One Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RiceRocket Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 By, it's a like the Travolta Family out there...... Minus One ooooh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jevansio Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 ooooh! Mmmm, tough crowd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bfg Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Yesterday,i had to change a light bulb.Later on,i crossed the road and walked into a bar.Then i began to realise my life was a joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 He's got 5 minutes to find one and deliver it- perfectly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jevansio Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Tell the one about the pianist with tourettes if you can Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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