garetheves Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Very long but worth the read Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on. Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....) Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. John Read this an hour ago and still havent stopped laughing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Class One Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 PMSL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grazer Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Fantastic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andyredtt Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 great letter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terribleturner Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Brilliant, the complaint letter evryone wishes they wrote. Can see one very similar going to Pc World very shortly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lez Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Good find, excellent phrasing! I managed to get a good response from ntl early last week. Both my boxes keep freezing up (no the central heating is on) Engineer arrives next day, he did 2 hours of testing and declared that the cable to my house wasn’t big enough. 2 days later they were digging up the sodding road to lay a new one. Didn’t make any difference, will have to ring them again tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bens747 Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 I must put in some choice words like that when I make a complaint next time ..... fantastic ...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Digsy Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 I'm on the verge of doing this with Vodafone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobbeh Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 Awesome letter.. sad to hear its another NTL problem, we 'luckily' dont have issues with NTL at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scoboblio Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 I love that letter Used to have a guy at work like that.... he could write emails that would make you cringe and laugh at the same time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J4CK50N Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 brilliant - well worth the read!!!! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupraBabe Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 excellent letter may have to keep a copy so when im stuck for words i can send this one. need to send one like this to 3G they are hopeless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dRuNk-mEdIc Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 LOl. great letter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SUPRA FLY Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 :kneel: Am in tears.......loved that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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