Jive Posted June 19, 2006 Share Posted June 19, 2006 Here's a classic from my wife .. that happened today Got home from work to find the misses in a wound up mood but still managing to laugh at what had happened .. which is a miracle. So yesterday she goes to Asda and gets a new iron, about the 10th we've had from them and actually gets a different model. Starts doing the ironing this afternoon and plugs in new iron .. nothing .. makes sure wall plug is working .. yep .. retries .. nope no heat or steam, nothing. Changes fuse with appliance that deffo works, back to socket .. nothing. Wait for it... Strops for a change and storms off down to Asda to Customer Services, waits in queue and gets to the woman finally (by this time a couple of people behind her, including a bloke) Keep waiting.... Misses "Just bought this iron yesterday and it doesn't work" Woman "Really? That's strange, I'll just plug it in and check" You know it's coming ... Plugs in new iron Woman "Oh yeah, it doesn't work does it" Woman now opens instruction manual .... here it comes ... Woman "Oh look, have you tried switching it on with the heat dial, if you turn it from min towards max it starts working?" Misses "ahem .. I'll go home and do the ironing now" Queue of people "snigger" Me "Have you tried turning it off and turning it on" :D She'll never live that down Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edd_t Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Ok, I know this is sad and childish, buy I couldnt resist! Yesterday we gave a department a new lazer printer. Its a big HP that sits about 4ft tall on its own wheels and stuff. Couple of the girls started saying it looks like R2D2 and a Dalek. I got a funky program that changes the digital display on the printer (I think Daman gave it to me??) Anyway, about 5 minutes ago they came running down saying the printer is 'shouting Exterminate' and they are worried its gonna blow up or something Teehee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Okay here I go... Last year in July we have had a huge Toyota Meet at the Nürburgring. Everybody told me about a crazy irish guy in a silver Supra and that I have to drive with him on the track. Well, of course I wanted to but I havent met Ernie on the first day I have been there. Well, on the next day I was standing at some of these parking places around Nüburgring talking to a Supradriver from Switzerland. Ernie stoped by and asked for a picture of his Supra and myself. I wasnt able to speak any word in english so this guy from Switzerland translated for me. I wanted him to translate that I dont mind taking any picture of myself with the Supra but after it Ernie has to take me for a spin. Stefan translated it wrong and said you have to take her for a RIDE. I saw the stars in Ernies eyes and was a little bit suprised that he was so crazy about going with me for a lap. Well, 2 weeks later Ernie told me that "Take me for a RIDE" means go to bed with me.... You can not imagine how embarassing this moment has been for me *redface* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian W Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Hope Ernie's is an Auto lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Hope Ernie's is an Auto lol If I would be able to translate this, it would be a lot easier for me to answer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupraStar 3000 Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Ernie told me that "Take me for a RIDE" means go to bed with me.... Does it!! Bloody hell,..Thats the last time I 'RIDE' on a blackpool donkey Funny post though Honey :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian W Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 If I would be able to translate this, it would be a lot easier for me to answer i could try and explain but it would be a lot easier to just leave it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Does it!! Bloody hell,..Thats the last time I 'RIDE' on a blackpool donkey Funny post though Honey :) Lol! Well, he told me that take me for a spin is correctly. But maybe only in Northern Ireland.... they have a lot of different sayings Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupraStar 3000 Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 i could try and explain but it would be a lot easier to just leave it. I guess a lot funnier for you, as well??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colsoop Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Well i was stripping some bonnet hinges of their paint coating yesterday using Nitromoors.. I use my hands a lot for my job so they are industrial strength now and i can handle the nitromoors without gloves. I dropped the hooks in to the nitromoors and went to the loo. Unbeknown to me i still had some nitromoors on my fingernail and went to handle my little fella, i felt a burning pain which worried me at first because it was while i was peeing I finished the job in hand and it was still burning then i realised i had the nitromoors on my fingernail, i wrapped my little fella in some wet toilet paper like a little bandana which soothed the burning . I have no ill effects to report and i have taken to wearing a rather fetching pair of yellow marigolds when stripping parts from now on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Well i was stripping some bonnet hinges of their paint coating yesterday using Nitromoors.. I use my hands a lot for my job so they are industrial strength now and i can handle the nitromoors without gloves. I dropped the hooks in to the nitromoors and went to the loo. Unbeknown to me i still had some nitromoors on my fingernail and went to handle my little fella, i felt a burning pain which worried me at first because it was while i was peeing I finished the job in hand and it was still burning then i realised i had the nitromoors on my fingernail, i wrapped my little fella in some wet toilet paper like a little bandana which soothed the burning . I have no ill effects to report and i have taken to wearing a rather fetching pair of yellow marigolds when stripping parts from now on. Lol! Well done! This story and the other one with the superglue are my favourites Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Well i was stripping some bonnet hinges of their paint coating yesterday using Nitromoors.. I use my hands a lot for my job so they are industrial strength now and i can handle the nitromoors without gloves. I dropped the hooks in to the nitromoors and went to the loo. Unbeknown to me i still had some nitromoors on my fingernail and went to handle my little fella, i felt a burning pain which worried me at first because it was while i was peeing I finished the job in hand and it was still burning then i realised i had the nitromoors on my fingernail, i wrapped my little fella in some wet toilet paper like a little bandana which soothed the burning . I have no ill effects to report and i have taken to wearing a rather fetching pair of yellow marigolds when stripping parts from now on. I've done that with bleach on the front rim whilst having a crap. Makes you wonder what you've been up to whilst drunk the night before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamc Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Ok, I have just spent and hour and half reading all these threads and have to my fiancee up from the airport in 5 hours, but well worth it. Some from me... When I was around five I was really into dumbo (flying elephant), bigs ears etc. I figured that since my rabbit had big ears he could fly as well, so to help him in his quest for flight I would throw him into the air as hard as I could, my mom did not find this amusing... In SA our house had a long path down to the front gate... door bell rang so off I go. Come running back up the path, jump up the 2 steps, through the front door, one more step, then the dog which waas sleeping decides to stand up, one more jump, hit my head on a concrete arch... woke up sometime later with the biggest headache and lump on my head, with the dog licking my face. Somehow managed to pull a high cupboard door off its hinges and got hit in the head with the corner, caused a small mark and one vein in the side of my head to stand out, permanently. Moving on... In Australia (studied there), a couple of mates and I decided that learning to rollerblade would be a fun way to spend weekends... until the bastards pushed me down a hill in rush hour traffic... only waay to stop was to hit the side of this nice new bmw z3, plough straight over the door and end up with my head in the passanger footwell... no more rollerbladding for me... whilst in oz, i stayed at a hostile, and everytime I walked past this one fire extinguisher, I tapped the top of it, no idea why... then some bright spark removed the pin.... what a mess........ Have you every heard of cow tipping... well dont try it when drunk.... cows are not as nice and caalm as eveyone thinks, especially when you try and tackle them while they are sleeping. Have also done the door locked, windows closed, car running, thankfully it was an impreza and managed to break into the car with a coat hanger...... with no help from any friends who were lying on the grass p*ssing themselves. Out with a mate and his girlfriend... he somehow manages to put an entire slice of pizza into his move.... but then starts to laugh, pizza everywhere... I start laughing, leaning back on my chair slightly, which then gives way....... theres me lying on the floor, covered in pizza, coke, orange juice and loads of funny cheeses.... with a restuarant full of people pissing themselves.... last one, while walking down the road, smiling at a pretty girl, who was smilling back, not paying attention to where I was going, headbutt a low signboard.... her smiles turne to terrible shreaks of laughter shortly there after... My contribution to a great thread.... keep it going!!! Especially liked the frozen fish pond and axe one, as well as the super glue..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Right, this is about MrHanky's brother. One day a couple of years ago he was preparing some food as usual and he was well into his spicy food and loved adding chillies to things. So he's prepared his food which included handling raw chillies. Afterwards feeling a bit randy, decided that he would go crack one off whilst waiting for his girlfriend to get home. you know what's coming next! A very painful burning sensation and lots of screaming LMAO typing this one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adman Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 Reminds me of the time I was making an uber-sized chillie for my flatmates and I... deciding that tabasco sauce was needed, I took the wrapping off a brand new bottle and took off the lid.... thinking I needed a wooden spoon to stir while I put the sauce in I placed the bottle down onto the kitchen worksurface with a bit too much force.... out flew a large globule of tabasco sauce and it landed straight into my right eye.....[sHOCK][/sHOCK] I was panicking and trying nor to blink but after about 40 secs the burning sensation started and then all hell broke loose.... thankfully I had "borrowed" eye wash canisters from work so they were quickly deployed... it took 4 days for the staining to come out of my eye ball..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieSteve Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 And another of the two above (can't remember if I posted this) Long story short, took the misses out on the drink, came back via my local curry hut (her Chicken Korma, me Chicken Phall). After a bit of bait we hit the sack and got down to it. I thought I was a legend that night. She was screaming and moaning and I thought I was a god... until she pointed out I still had Phall on my fingers. I think she had to shower her biff for a good hour afterwards Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captainchaos Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 when i was little i decided to feed the fish so i went to the fridge and got a yogurt and happily poured it in and went and told my mam i've fed the fish when i went to show her it had went through the pump and turned the whole tank white. She was so happy that she had to catch the fish while not being able to see them because of the yogurt and then refil the tank Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muffleman Posted July 19, 2006 Author Share Posted July 19, 2006 I think she had to shower her biff for a good hour afterwards Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest probedb Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 I managed to trap my hand in a car window as someone closed it.,....the someone was me ....didn't feel stupid honest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max Headroom Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Had one today, was getting into the car, a nissan micra today at the car park and put some stuff in the boot and left the boot up. Got into the car and sat and eat my lunch, a nice salad and had a wee read of the paper. After about 15 minutes got ready to go and reversed the car out of the space, just then a car came past with three fit girls in the car and they were waving at me, so I thought, "David you've pulled, you still got it". Got to the entrance and the girls turned right and they all looked back and waved at me and I thought, "WOW", I turned left and went on my way with a big smile on my face. I got about a mile down the road and looked in my rear view mirror and realised why they had been waving........I'd left the boot up!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edd_t Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 brilliant, ive done something similar that you have just reminded me of! When i had the MGF it was a real sunny day. So top was down and tunes were up! Drove though the middle of town thinking 'look at me, im so cool' half way down the high street i look in the rear view mirror to find my boot flapping up in the wind! the shame Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamc Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 brilliant, ive done something similar that you have just reminded me of! When i had the MGF it was a real sunny day. So top was down and tunes were up! Drove though the middle of town thinking 'look at me, im so cool' have way down the high street i look in the rear view mirror to find my boot flapping up in the wind! the shame ... I believe its; "The Horror...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alan999 Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 Just had me in fits of laughter some of these stories so had to post afew. Was on a night out and when im drunk my party trick is to do the splits. On this night i was going commando and decided to do the splits and ripped my pants full from front to back. Best part was i didnt even notice because i was so drunk. Anyway remember waking up at my then girlfriends house and her sayin my mum will be here soon to give me a lift home in the Roller so up i jumps puts the shirt on then the pants and im there hanging out in all my glory. So in a panic i grab the first thing to hand which happened to be a pair of my girlfriend black with nice little red lacy trim niks and some how shoe horn myself into them. Then i meet her mother for the first time with my tackle hanging out on the back seat of her car. Has to have been the longest car ride of my life, but she didnt stop looking and even said to me leave the pants off next time! The time i was out with my brother looking in a shop window at some sunglasses and tryed to look round the other side of the case they were in but forgot the window was there and rammed my head into it rather hard even the people in the shop were laughing at me. Oh and the time again after a night on the ale woke up at some womens house id been seeing on and off for abit start having abit of a fumble then she starts to give me a massage, oils my back up all nice and was doing a great job as i start to nod off. But thats when im woken up with one of the worsed pains ive ever felt in my life as i nearly shoot through the wall into next doors. i reach around and grab the double ender that she has just tryed to shove up my strictly no entry passage. But as i do this i spin over onto my back with this huge double ender in my hand and hit her by accident across the side of the head with it and K.O her and im there stood over her in a heap on the floor double ender in one hand phone in the other phoning my mate to come and pick me up Last one for now, i hurt the bottom of my back playing football so my dad gets the deep heat spray out as he said it would loosen it up abit and sprays aload on for me. The thing is it ran down my back down the crack of my arse and if you think you have had ring sting after a curry that doesnt even come close! I spent the next hour with the shower on cold on my arse with my dad and my brother stood crying laughing at my expense! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ark Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Oh boy, you've got me crying with laughter here! KO'd with a dildo - class!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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