Lbm Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Doctor...'Im afraid you have contracted Hermes' Patient....'dont you mean herpes ?' Doctor....'no, you are a carrier' Circa 1982? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Ahh. I must admit, I skipped over those few bad'uns. If only he had mixed in Gary Glitter / Michael Jackson / Fred West...he may have got away with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Whats the difference between a cross-country run and Jamie Oliver ? Ones having a pant in the country... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Man gets in from work and says "can you say something to make me happy and sad at the same time"?? Woman says "your c*ck is bigger than your brother's". Is this groundhog day....FFS!! Read the fooking thread to see if the joke has already been done!! Looks like I got off lightly with the paedo jokes...... H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 The Red Baron takes a prostitute back to his barracks, undresses her, pours brandy over her fluffery and sets fire to it. 'Mein Gott, what the dufferlyfluffery are you doing !!!' she screams, He replied 'when I go down, I go down in flames' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juanchan Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Whats the difference between a cross-country run and Jamie Oliver ? Ones having a pant in the country... Haven't laughed that much in a while Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tannhauser Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Whats the difference between a cross-country run and Jamie Oliver ? Ones having a pant in the country... I remember exactly when I heard this joke first (except it was Fanny Craddock in that version). I was on a Sixth Form Biology fieldwork trip in 1979 and my friend Bill told it me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lbm Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 I remember exactly when I heard this joke first (except it was Fanny Craddock in that version). I was on a Sixth Form Biology fieldwork trip in 1979 and my friend Bill told it me. Beat me to it. Just phoned a friend with it and he told me the original. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 fanny craddock Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Jewish Superman... 'Up up and oy vey !' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverSoop Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Is this groundhog day....FFS!! Read the fooking thread to see if the joke has already been done!! Looks like I got off lightly with the paedo jokes...... H. Well sorrryyy!! I didn't have time to check through the thread, so I took my chances and, well...it didn't pay off... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverSoop Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 According to recent studies, blow jobs are the healthiest breakfast because it comes with a sausage, two nuts and a protein shot. Stay healthy. Suck a dick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverSoop Posted October 15, 2008 Share Posted October 15, 2008 Q) What kind of bee produces milk?? A) Boobee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigcol Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 can we do your momma jokes? Yo Mama so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo Mama so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time. Yo Momma so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared. Yo Mama so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go. Yo Mama so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her. Yo Momma so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo Mama so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her. Yo Mama so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application. Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?" Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote! Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies! Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo mama so ugly Peter Sutcliffe wouldn't date her! Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween! Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday! Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects! Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry! Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her! Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Yo mama so fat she fell out of bed both sides at the same time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Well sorrryyy!! I didn't have time to check through the thread, so I took my chances and, well...it didn't pay off... No sh!t..... Sorry mate, it's one of my petty annoyancies.. H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p111ddy Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 How does every racist joke begin? With a look over your shoulder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p111ddy Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything. His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?" Oh, no: I never found her head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
med Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Your momma's soo stupid, i told her it was chilly outside she went and got a spoon... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiunno Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Pissed Paddy was swerving wildly drom one side of the road to the other left,right,left,right... cops spotted him and pulled him over. "Paddy" says the cop "why the hell were ye swerving round the road back there?", "Jaysus occifer" he says "there was a tree in the middle of the road, then another, then another". "Paddy" says the cop "Thats your Air Freshener". Cop pulls over a man whose wife had fallen out of the car earlier. "Do you realise you lost your wife a mile back" the cop says. "Thank God" says yer man "I thought I was goin deaf" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiunno Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any ciggarettes when he goes on his holidays, aye says Murphy cheers Mate get me 200 Benson, 2 weeks later Paddy comes back home, sees Murphy in the pub and says I got ur fags u owe me 89.50 euro...... For fuck sake says Murphy where did you go on holiday..... Paddy says Wexford. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything. His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?" Oh, no: I never found her head. not heard that one before Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benkei Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Pissed Paddy was swerving wildly drom one side of the road to the other left,right,left,right... cops spotted him and pulled him over. "Paddy" says the cop "why the hell were ye swerving round the road back there?", "Jaysus occifer" he says "there was a tree in the middle of the road, then another, then another". "Paddy" says the cop "Thats your Air Freshener". Isn't that originally a 'blonde' joke? How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge? There are footprints in the butter! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hogmaw Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 Peter Kay One Liners 1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?' 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supra Size Me Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! one of my faves is : Yo momma is so fat they had to baptise her at seaworld ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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