Ace Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Two cows are in a field, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, it's a wonderful day. One cow says to the other, "Mooooooooo!!!" The second cow says, "you git - I was going to say that". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SUPRALOOPY Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Why has sherlock holmes got curd on his nob? Lemon entry my dear wastson!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snake Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 what did the hurricane say to the palm tree Hang on to your nuts this is no ordinary blow job Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supra Size Me Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Two cows in a field one says to the other "what do you think to all this mad cows disease scare ?" the other replies "don't ask me i'm a tractor" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Man runs into a bar and orders a double scotch, down it in one and then orders another.......down that too. The barman asks "You look pretty upset mate, drinking won't fix your problems"!! The man asks "How big are penguins?" "About 2 feet tall" the barman relies. Bollocks says the guy "I have just run over a nun.."!! H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Chap walks up to the bar...'quick, quick, give me a double whisky !' he cries. He downs it in one and again cries 'quick, quick, give me another double whisky !'. He downed that in one two. Yet again, he cries 'quick, quick, give me another double whisky !'. The barman asks why the guy is drinking so much so fast... 'You would too, if you'd got what I've got' the chap replied. 'what have you got ?' asked the bartender. The chap replied, '50p'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Chap walks into a bar. 'quick, quick, I need a double whisky !' he cries. 'whats up with you' asks the barman. 'I've just found out my fathers a homosexual' the chap replied. Next night he returns to the bar. 'quick, quick, I need a double whisky !' he cries. 'now whats up with you' asks the barman. 'I've just found out my brothers a homosexual too' the chap replied. The next night he returns to the bar again. 'quick, quick, I need a double whisky !' he cries. 'I dare not ask' says the barman. 'I've just found out my sons a homosexual too' the chap sobbed. 'Christ' the barman says, 'Isn't there anyone in your family that likes women ?' 'yes' the chap replied, 'my wife' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supra-Brett Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Stationary shop moves Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieSteve Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 No ones posted the Tommy Cooperisms yet? Well here we go: 1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 2. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high." 3. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." 4. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.. 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom! 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" 22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. 23. Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. 24. "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" 25. So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" 26. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." 27. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... ' 28. "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" 29. "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" 30. "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' 31. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road. 32. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.' 33. Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" 34. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 35. A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill" 36. I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. 37. My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed. 38. I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off. 39. I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. 40. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' 41. "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. 42. "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought "That's a turn-up for the books." 43. "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.' 44. "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'" 45. "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' 46. I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (camply) 'Make your mind up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Whats a forum ? Two-um + two-um. wahay ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupraD06 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 A man walks into a fish and chip shop holding a salmon under his arm, he asks the women behind the counter if she has any fish cakes left, " no im sorry weve just sold out" says the women, " oh thats a shame replys the man, its his birthday today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SupraD06 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Did you hear about the magic tractor? it went down the lane and turned into a field! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Prince Charles doesn't use book-marks. He just bends the pages over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris burford Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 The M3 driver in your rear view mirror as number two comes on line Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 No ones posted the Tommy Cooperisms yet? Well here we go: I think that many of those are actually from Tim Vine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muffleman Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Why haven't they sent women to the moon ? It's not that untidy yet Two snowmen in a field, one says 'can you smell carrots ?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juanchan Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Prince Charles doesn't use book-marks. He just bends the pages over. And whoooosh.....straight over my head Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 And whoooosh.....straight over my head http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Page_(servant) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darragh Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 what do you call a burger that flys? a plain burger Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hogmaw Posted October 12, 2008 Author Share Posted October 12, 2008 Two fish swim into a wall One says to the other 'Damn' What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasorearse Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil What do you call a cowboy with no legs? A low down dirty bum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BASHTHEBISHOP Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 A 20 stone woman was struggling to find an outfit to wear to a fancy dress party. I suggested she pull her flaps over her head and go as a sugarpuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
osso Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 Why did the pervert cross the road? He was shagging the chicken... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave17 Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 just a bit too far Im afraid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave17 Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 just a bit too far Im afraid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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