for sale Toyota oil filter

[supradibbs]

Brand new errr 15 quid?

[Terminator]

err Is it gold plated?

[SteveR]

lol they are ~£7 new from Toyota, are you having a buy 2 get 1 sale?

[supradibbs]

sorry chaps i had no idea how much they are lol

 

That case its freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee:p

 

 

Who ever tells me the best joke gets it:D

[Guest Nizam]

i got one forsale. brandnew oil filer 8quid include post.

[wile e coyote]

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears...

 

When your worried no one sees your pain...

 

when your happy no one sees your smile...

 

But just try masturbating on a bus, see how much attention you get.

[Havard]

i got one forsale. brandnew oil filer 8quid include post.

 

Is that meant to be a joke?? FFS!!!

 

Anyway,

 

A duck goes into a bar and approaches the barman. The Duck asks "Got any bread?" The barman replies "No mate, we don't serve food, just beer and spirits. You can have a packet of peanuts or crisps if you want?. The Duck says "Oh right then..............but have you got any bread??"

 

The barman repeats himself "No mate, just beer and crisps and stuff mate..!!"

 

The Duck goes "Aaaaahhhh, I see......................have you got any bread then??"

 

The barman by now is getting a little agitated but remains calm "No pal, we don't serve food at all...".

 

The Duck then says "Oh, I get you now.....................have you got any bread??

 

The barman snaps back "For f*ck sake, I have told you three times, we don't serve food, have any bread...........if you ask for bread again I'm going to nail your f*cking beak to this bar you thick c*nt...!!

 

The Duck asks "Ooh, have you got any nails??

 

The barman screams NOOOOOOOO!!!

 

The Duck then asks calmly.........."Got any bread then..!!":d

 

Do I win an oil filter......

 

H.

[Havard]

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears...

 

When your worried no one sees your pain...

 

when your happy no one sees your smile...

 

But just try masturbating on a bus, see how much attention you get.

 

I so nearly posted that up before the duck joke but I thought it was a bit cheap to post up text message jokes.......

 

H.

[Jellybean]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have

never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel

like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me

to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look

by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you

in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed

department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several

different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a

pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she

picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so

excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis

bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her

for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

 

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel

like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

"WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're

just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy

your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she

was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and

not for the things I buy you?"

 

Apparently I'm not having s*ex tonight either.

[supradibbs]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have

never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel

like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me

to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look

by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you

in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed

department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several

different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a

pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she

picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so

excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis

bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her

for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

 

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel

like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

"WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're

just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy

your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she

was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and

not for the things I buy you?"

 

Apparently I'm not having s*ex tonight either.

 

winner so far

[Havard]

winner so far

 

You are kidding Dibbs......

 

You know where you can stick your gold plated oil filter.......

[supradibbs]

You are kidding Dibbs......

 

You know where you can stick your gold plated oil filter.......

 

Sorry bud but yours sucked ass:D

[Jellybean]

Another Classic

 

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip

upstairs and

get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are

Paddy's

two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[supradibbs]

Another Classic

 

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip

upstairs and

get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are

Paddy's

two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

 

 

If i had not off heard that 2 days ago that would be the winner for sure its a classic

[Bender]

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

[AlanM]

Is that meant to be a joke?? FFS!!!

 

Anyway,

 

A duck goes into a bar and approaches the barman. The Duck asks "Got any bread?" The barman replies "No mate, we don't serve food, just beer and spirits. You can have a packet of peanuts or crisps if you want?. The Duck says "Oh right then..............but have you got any bread??"

 

The barman repeats himself "No mate, just beer and crisps and stuff mate..!!"

 

The Duck goes "Aaaaahhhh, I see......................have you got any bread then??"

 

The barman by now is getting a little agitated but remains calm "No pal, we don't serve food at all...".

 

The Duck then says "Oh, I get you now.....................have you got any bread??

 

The barman snaps back "For f*ck sake, I have told you three times, we don't serve food, have any bread...........if you ask for bread again I'm going to nail your f*cking beak to this bar you thick c*nt...!!

 

The Duck asks "Ooh, have you got any nails??

 

The barman screams NOOOOOOOO!!!

 

The Duck then asks calmly.........."Got any bread then..!!":d

 

Do I win an oil filter......

 

H.

 

This duck called Nizam by any chance?

[mr lover]

A young man ( insert your favourite mkiv member here ) walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the barman inquired. "I want 6 shots of whiskey," responded the young man.

"6 shots?? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

 

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[Havard]

A young man ( insert your favourite mkiv member here ) walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the barman inquired. "I want 6 shots of whiskey," responded the young man.

"6 shots?? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

 

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

Great gag!!

[Bender]

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Heres a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone 100 pounds who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[mr lover]

An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."

 

The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!

 

"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."

 

"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!"

[mr lover]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

"I have just therooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

 

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk."Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

 

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

 

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

 

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

 

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[Jellybean]

> This got Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine

> sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney

> folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

>

> The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

> called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are

> married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant

> answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal

> questions.

>

> The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with

> (phone

> number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three

> questions

> correctly, they both win the prize.

>

> One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City

> drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thing

> you've heard yet.

>

> Anyway, here's how it all went down:

>

>

> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate

> Match'?"

>

>

> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

>

>

> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the

> Gold Coast if you win.

> What is your name? First only please."

>

> Contestant: "Brian."

>

>

> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

>

>

> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

>

>

> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only

> please."

>

>

> Brian: "Sara."

>

>

> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

>

>

> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

>

>

> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

>

>

> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

>

>

> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had

> sex?"

>

>

> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

>

>

> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

>

>

> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

>

>

> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

>

>

> Brian: "About 10 minutes."

>

>

> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever

> have said

> that if a trip wasn't at stake."

>

> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

>

>

> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8

> o'clock this morning?

>

>

> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

>

>

> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

>

>

> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying

> with us for couple of weeks..."

>

>

> DJ: "Uh huh..."

>

>

> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the

> time."

>

> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

>

> Brian: "On the kitchen table."

>

>

> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the

> previous hundred times I've done it.

> Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's

> work number and

> call her up. You listen to this."

>

>

> [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

>

>

> DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch

> tones.....ringing....)

>

>

> Clerk: "Kinkos."

>

> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

>

> Clerk: "This is she."

>

>

> DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air

> right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of

> hours now."

>

> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

>

> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian

> knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose.

> Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

>

> Sarah: "No."

>

> DJ: "Good!"

>

>

> Brian: (laughing)

>

>

> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

>

>

> Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

> completely honest."

>

>

> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,

> Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the

> both of youwill be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

>

>

> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

>

> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

>

> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to

> work."

>

>

> DJ: "What time?"

>

> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

>

> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

>

>

> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

>

> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to

> protect is

> manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one

> question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you

> ready?"

>

>

> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

>

>

> DJ: "Where did you have it?"

>

>

> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

>

>

> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

>

>

> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

>

>

> Sarah: "Well..."

>

>

> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

>

>

> Sarah: "Up the arse....."

>

>

> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station

> break"

> And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

>

[mr lover]

Even some husband to wife poetry

 

THE TENT POLE IS UP,

THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,

COME BACK TO BED.

 

 

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN

PUT THE CANVAS AWAY

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE

NO CIRCUS TODAY.

 

 

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP

AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD

SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING

AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

 

 

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S

THE BEST IN THE LAND

BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW

SO DO IT BY HAND!

[Bender]

It is just before the Bafana Bafana v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into

the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

 

"What's up?" he asks.

 

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's

important but it's only S.A.. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered."

 

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by

myself-you lads go down to a pub in Soweto."

 

So Ronaldinho goes out to play Bafana Bafana by himself and the rest of the

Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

 

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the

landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads

"Brazil 1 - Bafana Bafana 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating Bafana

Bafana all by himself!

 

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone

remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put

the teletext on.

 

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Bafana Bafana

1 (Nomvete 89 minutes)."

 

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against Bafana

Bafana!!

 

They rush back to the Ellis Park Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They

find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in

his hands.

 

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

 

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Bafana Bafana, all by yourself. And

they only scored at the very, very end!"

 

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[Bender]

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find

enough British staff. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR

manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits

and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat,

but please don't eat any of our other employees".

 

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss

remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your

work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you

know what happened to her?"

 

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

 

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?"

 

A hand rose hesitantly.

 

You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating

managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and

eat someone who actually does something."