Ewen Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Rab called in to see his friend Angus to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewen Posted June 8, 2008 Author Share Posted June 8, 2008 An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag" The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tommygun Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag" The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamesy W Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobgoblin Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dangerousandy Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angarak Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 An Irishman is rowing a boat in a field of hay. Another Irishman drives past and stops, he looks at the Irishman in the boat and says "It's thick c*nts like you that give us a bad name, I'd come over there and kick the f*ck out of you if I could swim" ------- An englishman, scotsman and irishman are caught by a pygmy tribe. They are all given one final request before they are killed, carved up and made into a canoe. The englishman asked for a cig so he could enjoy his last smoke. After he had finished the pygmies carved him up and made him into a canoe. The scotsman asked for a bottle of whiskey, after drowning his sorrows and numbing the pain, the pygmies carved him into a canoe. The irishman was asked what he wanted for his last request and the irishman calmly replied "I would like a fork" which caused much laughter in the camp. Upon getting his fork the irishman started stabbing himself again and again screaming "ya aren't makin no f*ckin canoe outta me" -------- Paddys in the pub tellin his mates about joining the army, and his first parachute jump. Paddy explained "we were about 30,000 feet up, then 1 by 1 they started to jump. When it was my turn I couldn't jump! Then this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch willy and said 'Paddy if you dont jump I'll stick this baby right up your *rse'". Paddys mate asked "Well did you jump?", Paddy replies "Just a bit when it first went in!" ---- A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. 'Try again' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.' ------ Theres an englishman, an irishman, and a scotsman, running away from the police, they run down a back alley and theres three sacks, so they all jump in a sack and the policemen come along kick the first sack and the scotsman inside says 'woof' so they think it must be a dog and kick the second sack, the englishman inside says 'meow' so they think it must be a cat and kick the third sack, and the irishman inside says 'potatoes'. ---------- Three men: a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances ! ----------- A French and British general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the British general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!" The French general asks "Why did you do that?" The British general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope." A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!" ----------- 3 Irish men walk into a cafe and start w*nking, the waitress shouts , "oi, what the hell do you think your doing?" ...paddy points to the sign '1st come , 1st served' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigcol Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 :d:d Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcAB10 Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnas78 Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 Class Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marc_p Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turbonut Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Some good uns in this thread..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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