Bill Prawn Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.' 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!' Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.' Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other Eye.' The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorin Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 I preferred the joke in From dusk til dawn better.... so that would make this the imitation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbourner Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Wasn't it Desperado? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorin Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Wasn't it Desperado? You are indeed correct, I just pictured Quentin Tarrentino in Dusk til Dawn for some reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marc_p Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbourner Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Here: This reminds me of a joke. This guy comes into a bar... ...walks to the bartender and says... ..." Bartender, I got a bet for you. I'll bet you $300 that I can piss... ...into that glass over there... ...and not spill a drop." The bartender looks at the glass. It's 30 feet away. He says... ..."You're telling me you'll bet me $300... ...that you can piss, standing here... ...into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says: "That's right." Bartender says, "You've got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's thinking about the glass. He's thinking about the glass. Thinking about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. Then he lets it rip. He pisses all over the place. He pisses on the bar. He pisses on the stools, on the floor, the phone. On the bartender! He's pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Bartender's laughing. He's $300 richer. He's like.... Piss dripping off his face. He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 puta." Guy goes, " Excuse me just one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. There's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, " Here you go. $300." The bartender's like.... "Why are you so happy? You just lost $300 idiot!" The guy says, "See those guys there? I just bet them $500 apiece... ...that I could piss on your bar... ...your floor, your phone, and piss on you... ...and not only would you not be mad about it... ...you'd be happy." That's funny shit, huh? "You'd be happy about it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Prawn Posted April 11, 2008 Author Share Posted April 11, 2008 Ahh yes that reminds me yet again why I don't come on here much Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorin Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Ahh yes that reminds me yet again why I don't come on here much You're welcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitesupraboy2 Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Dont worry Prawn i liked it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 I would be a crap place if we didn't have old gags!! More reposted gags I say!! H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrRalphMan Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Here you go H. Somebody used to keep ringing my house and shouting "Prince Charming!" down the phone. I tried to tell him he had a wrong number but he was adamant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamesmark Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 I got bored half way through reading it, was there a punchline in the end? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Here you go H. Somebody used to keep ringing my house and shouting "Prince Charming!" down the phone. I tried to tell him he had a wrong number but he was adamant. Maybe not reposted on the same day eh? H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrRalphMan Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Oh ok.... Same time again tomorrow? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Crackin' Bill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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