baz Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 funny ha ha not funny he he I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal." This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent." I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End' I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?" My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar". I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animal Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 I didn't laugh - can I have my money back? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Repost. I pasted this into the competition thread yesterday. Tommy Cooper I believe? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Actually - you nicked it from there didn't you? Cheeky monkey! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turbonut Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 :D Any jokes are good on Friday's!!! cheers mate!!! L xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Safely Insured Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Black beauty..... now theres a dark horse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim_supra Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 I've heard them many a time before, but they're still funny:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baz Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 Repost. I pasted this into the competition thread yesterday. Tommy Cooper I believe? was it "just like that"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 was it "just like that"? OK fair play Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Safely Insured Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't these jokes used by Tim Vine? He holds the record for the most amount of jokes told in one hour... a very funny chap... in fact i ripped off the black beauty joke from him... Ollie Sky Insurance Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaz6002 Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't these jokes used by Tim Vine? He holds the record for the most amount of jokes told in one hour... a very funny chap... in fact i ripped off the black beauty joke from him... Ollie Sky Insurance Nah they are Tommy Cooper jokes. Easily confused with Tim Vine though. I've never laughed so much as watching Tim Vines DVD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Safely Insured Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Nah they are Tommy Cooper jokes. Easily confused with Tim Vine though. I've never laughed so much as watching Tim Vines DVD Me too mate... love his humour! My brother was at the world record attempt, we are both fans... You have good taste Ollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackie Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Repost. I pasted this into the competition thread yesterday. Tommy Cooper I believe? i thought they were funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scooby_doo_do Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Did you get them out of a cracker? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Nah they are Tommy Cooper jokes. Easily confused with Tim Vine though. I've never laughed so much as watching Tim Vines DVD Don't think they were all Tommy Cooper... Unless he had the ability to predict T'Pau and Eurostar before he died in 1984... Just an observation...LOL! H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackie Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 Don't think they were all Tommy Cooper... Unless he had the ability to predict T'Pau and Eurostar before he died in 1984... Just an observation...LOL! H. very observant mr H Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havard Posted December 21, 2007 Share Posted December 21, 2007 very observant mr H Googled to make sure before I posted...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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