Bill Prawn

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.' 'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!' Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.' Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other Eye.' The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!'

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in. St Peter decided to interview all the spirits on their own so they couldn't hear what the other had said and make their story more gruesome. The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am." The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me." It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married woman's refrigerator....."

Luckily everyone has different views, I think this is one of the best.

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove a few miles away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat a bit further away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the distance but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a long way, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put it on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."

It's on Beeb 2 at midnight, if you didn't see it live.

I like a drink when I watch football, so I try to drink something that celebrates the scorer. So if Beckham scores I drink Becks, If Paul Scholes scores I drink Skol and when Kenny Miller found the net I drank Millers. Just really glad David Seaman was a goalie!

Well what do you do? That was the purpose of this thread

Which half? Did you bury anyone famous?

You leave my bush out of this

Bar doors? Brothel doors? Early doors? Diana Dors?

Incredible how this man has taken to the hearts of the British public. Hoff was three when he died, but says he was an all time great. It just shows how good he was

Loris Capirossi

That is just wrong in sooooooo many ways!

Lucky, spawny?

Slut

Very funny. He was the funniest guy that the UK has produced. Not sure if they are all his gags, some are a bit too new seing as he died in 1984. Phone calls in the car and answer phone messages, but I may be wrong. I went to the doctors the other day and said: "It hurts when I do this" He said: "Well don't do it then!"

It's HUGE

No I'm just a nice guy, ask anyone on here

Most of my friends think my job is glamourous. I think it's just a job On Saturday I went to the F1 Powerboat GP and went out in one of the boats, today I went quad biking in the desert with one of the best motorcycle racers in the world and on Thursday I'm off for drinks and canapes with the Royal family. Pretty much day-to-day stuff!!! What about anyone else?

Went there today, fun in the dunes on quads In Doha, PM me if you are in Doha and I'll buy you a drink

Sadly I think he might

Shame he left, but life goes on. Loris is a great guy, just been quad biking with him in the sand dunes. It's a tough job

that is the point, they could race in the day but not many people tune in. This way viewing figures will be high, and it also gets one over on Bernie because MotoGP did it first!!!

A full tank is about £10 (50 litres)

Think an ST Focus would look out of place